


Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets Abridged

by kierandell1409



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abridged, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-12
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-05-19 21:32:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 23,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5981604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kierandell1409/pseuds/kierandell1409
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After mocking Harry and his friends in their first adventure, it's time to mock the second one. Enjoy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Most Terrible Womb Expulsion Anniversary

Narrator: When we last left our hero, he was being taken back to his abusive aunt and uncle’s house, even though the magical government could have organised literally any one of HUNDREDS of foster houses for him to live in. We find our young hero at his birthday breakfast…

Vernon: BOY! WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU ABOUT KEEPING THAT FUCKING BIRD OF YOURS QUIET?!  
Harry: Yes, I’m sure everyone can keep a bird of prey quiet in a locked cage 24/7. Speaking of which, what would you do if I called the RSPCA about that?  
Vernon: Oh please, what would a roadside assistance company do about animal abuse?  
Harry: That’s the RACV, which we probably shouldn’t even know about because they’re in Australia, not England.  
Petunia: Honey, I think you’re forgetting something about today.  
Harry: My birthday?  
Vernon: You still have those? I thought you outgrew those.  
Harry: Dudley had his last month, with forty three presents and a lap dance from Victoria Beckham. She’s not even married yet. Or famous.  
Dudley: Her ass was delicious.  
Harry: You just wait. One day I’ll have a much more delicious ass.  
Vernon: Well, tonight’s the night my drill making firm makes its biggest sale ever.  
Harry: Three whole drills? You must be thrilled.  
Vernon: Okay, that’s it. Instead of having you entertain the guests with magic and actually becoming part of the family when we become rich, you’ll be locked in your room until they leave.  
Harry: Not that I can do magic outside of school anyway.  
Dudley: I thought you said you could.  
Harry: To you, pig boy, since you’re still tainted with…  
*Dudley starts crying*  
Petunia: I thought I told you not to bring up that hideous hairstyle that dodgy bearded man in a trench coat with an unhealthy interest in you gave him. Go sit outside. You people burn in the sun right?  
Harry: That’s vampires.  
Petunia: No, I meant British people.  
Harry: But you’re a…you know what? Never mind *goes outside* Man, I never thought I’d say it, but I’m kinda disappointed Ron hasn’t been sending me the love letters I assumed he’d be sending. At the very least I’d have thought Hermione might have written. At least she’s smart, if in denial about the whole magic thing. But at least I…is that bush staring at me? *sees a pair of eyes in the bush* Okay, which of my stalkers is it this time?

Dudley: Who are you talking to?  
Harry: Whoever’s in the bush.  
Dudley: There’s no-one in the bush.  
Harry: Yes there *sees the eyes have disappeared* Yeah, that would be right.  
Dudley: And since there’s no-one here, you must have been using magic. I’m going to tell on you to mummy, and she’ll get you expelled from Katmeers.  
Harry: Hogwarts.  
Dudley: Whatever. MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!  
Petunia: What did you do this time?  
Dudley: Harry was…  
Petunia: He did WHAT?! That’s it, you better have the lawn mowed, the roses trimmed, and the house painted before the Masons get here, so this house looks perfect from the outside.  
Harry: Because it sure as hell isn’t on the inside.  
Petunia: *smacks him with a frying pan* Now get to work *Harry just lies there* Uh oh.

*about twelve hours later*  
Harry: *wakes up and sees a funnel in his mouth* What are you doing?  
Petunia: Oh good, you’re awake. You need to be fed before the Masons arrive *shows Harry a plate of bread and cheese*  
Harry: Wouldn’t it be easier to just send me to my room with the food so I can eat it there at my leisure, out of sight no matter what?  
Petunia: There’s no time *rams the food down the narrow tube of the funnel as the doorbell rings* Crapbaskets, that’s them. Upstairs, NOW!  
Vernon: I’m on it *flings Harry upstairs with one arm*  
Harry: *spits out funnel* Okay, it’s not like you couldn’t have waited three seconds while I walked up here myself *enters his room and sees something in his bed* What the fuck are you?


	2. House Elf’s Threat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dobby tells Harry not to go back to Hogwarts, but Harry's all like "fuck that."

Dobby: Harry Potter. It is an honour to meet you.  
Harry: Yeah, I get that a lot. Now, who and/or what the fuck are you?  
Dobby: My name is Dobby sir, and I am a house elf.  
Harry: An elf? Aren’t they meant to be tall majestic creatures? What the hell happened?  
Dobby: About two hundred and fifty generations of inbreeding.  
Harry: Yep, that’d do it. So, why are you here?  
Dobby: Dobby must be punished. Dobby has been very bad.  
Harry: Dobby, I am not your sister.  
Dobby: Dobby has been naughty. Bad Dobby. Bad Dobby *starts bashing his head against the wall*  
Harry: (unenthusiastically) Okay, stop. Stop. Stop. Oh, whatever *hears Vernon coming up the stairs* Actually, really stop *throws Dobby in the closet as Vernon enters room*

Vernon: The fuck’s going on up here?  
Harry: Err…I’m masturbating?  
Vernon: ON THE GOOD RUG?! ARE YOU MAD CHILD?!  
Harry: What good rug? You ripped up the carpet when you moved me up here. And the floorboards. We’re literally standing on the support beams above the kitchen right now.  
Vernon: Exactly. The kitchen tiles are the good rug.  
Harry: That…just…whatever.  
Vernon: Now, knock it off, before I knock you off *turns to leave*  
Dobby: Can I come out of the closet now?  
Vernon: *slowly turns to face Harry* And you’re one of THOSE too? We’ll talk about this later *leaves*

Harry: You couldn’t have picked a worse time to say that.  
Dobby: But if it keeps Harry Potter from going back to Hogwarts, it’s for the best.  
Harry: Say what?  
Dobby: Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts.  
Harry: Why? Is there some kind of dangerous ancient snake attacking people?  
Dobby: *eye twitch* No.  
Harry: You’re right, we’re not in Australia. Well, I guess I should wait to hear from Ron or Hermione before I make a decision. They probably know a bit more…  
Dobby: But you can’t. Dobby has been stopping Harry Potter’s letters from reaching him *shows him letters*  
Harry: Isn’t tampering with the mail an offense punishable by banishment?  
Dobby: Dobby thought Harry Potter might not want to go back to Hogwarts if he thought his friends had forgotten him.  
Harry: Really? You think the two people who risked their lives to help me nearly get killed would simply forget about me?  
Dobby: But Dobby will give Harry Potter his letters from his boyfriend…  
Harry: He’s not, really.  
Dobby: …and the non-believer and the drunk if Harry agrees not to go back to Hogwarts.  
Harry: Hmm, stay here and be frequently tormented by my horrible aunt, uncle, and cousin, or go to the only place where people have treated me as people. Yeah, I think I’m going back to Hogwarts. Now give me my letters.  
Dobby: I am sorry, Harry Potter, but you leave Dobby no choice *jumps through the floor to the kitchen*  
Harry: Dobby, please stop *Dobby lifts Petunia’s pudding into the air with magic* Stop *Dobby drops it, then immediately vanishes* Okay, he did it. But if I stay put up here…

Vernon: THE FUCK DID YOU DO BOY?!  
Harry: *sarcastically* Yes, I did it, then I magicked myself back up here…oh wait.  
Vernon: You used magic in MY HOUSE?!  
Mr. Mason: Did someone say magic? I love magic. Can you show us a trick?  
Harry: Oh, right, well about that…  
*an owl flies through the window and drops a letter in Mrs. Mason’s hair*  
Mrs. Mason: AHH! Get it off.  
Mr. Mason: You freaks allow owls around an ornithophobic person? That’s it, we’re out of here *leaves with his wife. Vernon grabs letter and opens it*  
Harry: Uh, I thinks that’s addressed to me, so…  
Vernon: Boy, is it true you can’t use magic outside of school?  
Harry: *eye twitch* No, they must have made a typo.  
Vernon: Really? *shoves letter in Harry’s face* Then what is it meant to say?  
Harry: *reading letter* Uh…you know, it’s odd they’re against exposing magic to muggles, then send an owl with a letter to a house with muggles in it, am I right?  
Petunia: You know, I thought it was odd Lily never used much magic at home.  
Harry: See? She was keeping this from you too. She’s just as much to blame as I am.  
Vernon: I’m gonna have fun putting bars on your windows.  
Harry: You wouldn’t.

*eight hours later*  
Harry: Holy shit, he actually did it. And the guy who installed them didn’t even question why he only wanted them for the room on the second storey with no floor. And he filled the kitchen with mousetraps.  
Vernon: I swear, it’s just in case of a rodent infestation *steps on a mousetrap*  
Harry: Is that your big toe?  
Vernon: …shut up boy.

*three days later*  
Harry: *asleep* No Voldemort, don’t touch me there. NOOO! *wakes up* Phew, what a nightmare. I could have sworn Voldemort was touching my…  
Ron: Hey baby.


	3. The Rabbit Hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry is rescued/kidnapped and taken to the Weasley's place.

Harry: HOLY SHIT! Where did you come from?  
Ron: There *points out car parked outside the window in mid-air with Fred and George in it*  
Harry: Okay, really? I get in trouble for a levitation spell I didn’t even use, but you three are getting away with THAT?!  
Ron: What’s wrong with underage wizards driving a flying car over a heavily muggle populated area?  
Harry: That’s exactly what’s wrong with it. But how’d you know to come find me?  
Ron: You weren’t replying to my love letters, so I assumed something was wrong.  
Harry: Really? Because I didn’t even give you my address for that exact reason.  
Ron: True love knows no bounds.  
Fred: Guys, we kinda need to get going. You molesting Harry was both horribly disturbing and time-consuming.  
Harry: Right, so we should WAIT, WHAT?!  
George: Where’s your trunk Harry?  
Harry: It’s in the cupboard under the stairs, but you should…  
George: Don’t worry, I got this *jumps into the room, then down to the kitchen, setting off several mousetraps*  
Harry: Well, I tried to warn him.  
George: I’m fine. Just get the rest of your stuff into the car.  
Harry: At what point did I agree to go with you?  
Ron: You don’t want to stay here do you?  
Harry: *thinks for a full minute* Not really.  
Ron: Excellent. You’re coming with us.  
Vernon: WHAT’S GOING ON IN HERE?!  
George: *casually pushing past him with Harry’s trunk* Excuse me sir, we’re just rescuing your nephew.  
Vernon: Huh? What? You can’t just barge in here and do that.  
Fred: Funny thing really. We are. See ya *helps George into car*

Harry: They are gonna be pissed when I get back next summer.  
Ron: You’re not actually going back to them are you?  
Harry: Well, they ARE my only family.  
Ron: I can be all the family you need.  
Harry: Real family don’t do what you’re doing right now.  
Ron: They do in the Deep South of America.  
Harry: I’d say goodbye to those readers, but let’s face it, how many of them can read?  
Ron: How many people read this in the first place? Other than KrispyBaconator.  
Harry: Fair enough. So, I assume you guys have something worked out to tell your parents when I suddenly appear.  
George: Pfft, fuck no. Ron just intends to keep you locked in his room until school starts.  
Harry: And you’re just going along with this?  
Fred: We made a bet about whether he could actually keep you a secret until then. I reckon I can win back what I lost at last year’s sorting ceremony.  
George: Oh, we’ll see brother dearest.  
Fred: What’s that supposed to mean?

*later, approaching the house*  
Ron: Okay Harry, we’re nearly there. Put on your Invisibility Cloak so you can hide from…  
Molly: Me?  
Ron: Yeah, yo…oh FUCK!  
Fred: FUCK!  
George: Fifty two sickles, Fred.  
Fred: Shut. The fuck. Up.  
Molly: Thank you George for your little warning.  
Fred: You told her? That doesn’t count.  
George: You should have said that before you made the bet.  
Molly: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING, FLYING A FUCKING CAR ABOVE HALF THE FUCKING COUNTRY, MOST OF WHICH ARE FUCKING MUGGLES?!  
Ron: We were saving Harry…  
Molly: Like your father and I were talking about doing last night before you boys stole the car?  
Fred: How were we supposed to know?  
Molly: We’ve been talking about it for three days.  
Harry: So I don’t have to be hidden in Ron’s room?  
Molly: Say what?  
Harry: Never mind. So, what now?  
Molly: Well Harry, you must be hungry…  
George: You’re right, we should get some breakfast…  
Molly: Not you three.  
George: Hey, come on, I told what they were planning.  
Molly: You still went with them. Now all three of you are going to degnome the garden while Harry gets your breakfast.  
Harry: Sweet.

*in the kitchen*  
Molly: So, Harry dear, how did you end up casting a levitation spell when your wand was locked under the stairs?  
Harry: I didn’t. You see, there was this house-elf, and…wait, how did you know about that?  
Molly: Oh, my husband Arthur works for the Ministry of Magic.  
Harry: Wait, so your husband works for what is essentially the wizarding government, your oldest son works for Gringotts, the only wizarding bank ever, and your second oldest ‘works’, for want of a better word, with dragons. These sound like three of the highest paying jobs in the wizarding world, so your family should be loaded. Yet you live in…well…  
Molly: A dump?  
Harry: Yeah, what gives?  
Molly: Fred and George…  
Harry: Say no more.  
Ginny: *squeals and runs away*  
Harry: What’s with her?  
Molly: Oh, she’s been talking about you all summer. I think she likes you, such a darling.

*in Ginny’s room*  
Ginny: I can’t believe it. The one who will allow me to bear my spawn is right here in my house, and I’m hardly of the age to conceive them. Not to mention my brother will hardly let me near him to allow me to take him. I shall have to find a way to get him close to me.

*back in the kitchen*  
Molly: It’s so cute, seeing her with a little schoolgirl crush.  
Harry: Right…I think I might see how the guys are going out there.

*outside*  
Harry: So, how troublesome can a bunch of plaster gnomes be *spotting one, kicks it, shattering it* See? Nothing to it.  
Fred: They’re not the gnomes we’re worried about.  
Harry: Then what are… *finger gets bitten* MOTHER FU… *flings it into the distance* …CKER! I think I need a new finger. I look like Frodo after he destroyed the ring.  
Molly: You boys are right fucked now. Your father’s home.  
Harry: Oh, I have got to see this *goes to watch*

Arthur: *taking off jacket* Hi Honey. Hi Fred. Hi George. Hi Ron. Hi Harry…wait a sec, Harry?  
Molly: Yes, Harry. Your sons stole the car…  
Fred: Borrowed.  
Molly: …and kidnapped…  
George: Rescued.  
Molly: …Harry from his aunt and uncle.  
Arthur: Holy shit!  
Molly: I know, and…  
Arthur: We have a car?  
Harry: So I’m guessing you’ll be let off the hook.  
Ron: Come on Harry, I’ll show you where you’ll be sleeping.  
Harry: No, waitwaitwaitwaitWAIT! *gets dragged up the stairs*  
Ginny: Someday I’ll be the one dragging Harry up the stairs to do unspeakable acts with him.

Ron: *entering his room* So, what do you think?  
Harry: You have an unsurprisingly large number of pictures of me.  
Ron: Indeed I do.  
Harry: And in every single one of them I’m…  
Ron: NAKED!  
Harry: Including one that seems to be in my room at the Dursley’s…  
Ron: Yeah, that was from a couple days ago.  
Harry: I…err…*sigh* whatever. Hey, why is there a hole in most of them?  
Ron: Because this *suddenly naked*  
Harry: No, waitwaitwaitWAIT! *tackled to floor*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank me later, yaoi fangirls. Also, Ginny is gonna be so much fun to write.


	4. In Embellish and Smudges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Weasley's take Harry to Diagon Alley. Or they would, if Harry didn't decide to go to Knockturn Alley instead.

Narrator: So, after fleeing his aunt and uncle’s house, Harry spent his time at The Burrow. This had its ups and downs. On the plus side, he got to see some cool magical stuff, Molly gave him extra food, Arthur became the closest thing to father he had since James died, and Fred and George took him to do Quidditch practice. On the down side, he had to share a bed with Ron, even though Molly set up a separate bed for him. One week after Harry arrived, the Weasleys were overrun with letters from Hogwarts, though not quite to the same extent as the Dursleys last year…

Harry: Morning all.  
Ginny: *squeals and runs upstairs*  
Harry: Is she gonna do that every time she sees me?  
Molly: Well, it’s not every day you see your celebrity crush coming down the stairs of your own house.  
Harry: But it has literally been every day. For the last week. Surely she’s over it by now.  
Molly: She’s just being shy.

*in Ginny’s room*  
Ginny: Excellent. My birth giver believes I’m just another foolish pre-teen crushing on a famous cutey *shudder* Eww, that c-word tasted dirty in my mouth. Dirtier than that other c-word. That one that can also be pronounced ‘Kanye West’. Anyway, soon I’ll have to make a move to make sure Harry notices me. I just need to right moment.

*in the kitchen*  
Molly: She’s so adorable.  
Harry: Right…so, those our Hogwarts letters?  
Molly: That they are. Let’s see what you boys need.  
Ron: “Second year students will require: The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 2 by Miranda Goshawk; Break with a Banshee by Gilderoy Lockhart; Gadding with Ghouls by Gilderoy Lockhart; Holidays with Hags by Gilderoy Lockhart; Travels with Trolls by Gilderoy Lockhart; Voyages with Vampires by Gilderoy Lockhart; Wanderings with Werewolves by Gilderoy Lockhart; and Year with the Yeti by Gilderoy Lockhart”. I think there’s a bit of a theme here.  
Fred: Great, all of Gilderoy Lockhart’s bloody books. We probably have a woman for Defence against the Dark Arts this year.  
George: Maybe we actually have Gilderoy Lockhart as a teacher.  
Fred: Bullshit.  
George: Wanna bet?  
Fred: You’re on.  
Harry: Sorry, but who is Gilderoy Lockhart?  
Molly: Only the greatest erotic novelist and wizard of all time.  
Harry: Gee, thanks. I mean, I only beat the Dark Lord twice.  
Molly: In any case, we’ll need to find a way to afford all this. Plus, Ginny’s only starting this year, so we’ll need to get all her things.  
Harry: *muttering* As if she needs another reason for people to be scared of her.

Percy: Morning *sits down at the table, then immediately jumps up* Errol, what are you doing there?  
Arthur: He’s been there about a week. You just haven’t noticed.  
Percy: You didn’t think to move him…wait, don’t answer that.  
Arthur: I felt he needed to rest after he got back.  
Percy: Got back from where?  
Ron: Ah, that’ll be Hermione’s reply *opens letter* “Dear Ron, Your plan to rescue Harry is a terrible one that will probably get you in a lot of trouble. Just let your parents handle it like rational, reasonable adults. In any case, we’ll see you at Diagon Alley next Wednesday to get our school supplies. Love, Hermione.”  
George: Okay, guess we’ll be going there next week. Anyone up for Quidditch practice?  
Percy: Can’t. Gotta do something…in my room…alone *leaves*  
Fred: I wonder what he’s doing.  
Harry: Really? You’re wondering what a fifteen year old boy is doing alone in his room?  
Fred: …eww.

*next Wednesday*  
Arthur: Alright, off to Diagon Alley. Harry, get in the fire.  
Harry: I’m assuming this is some kind of magic fire.  
Arthur: Nope, the regular burning kind.  
Harry: So, why would I…  
Arthur: Oh, right, you need some of this *holds out flower pot full of green-silver powder*  
Harry: Magical cocaine?  
Arthur: Oops, did I grab the wrong pot again?  
Molly: You haven’t travelled by Floo Powder, have you Harry?  
Harry: I have the most racistly un-magical family of all time. What do you think?  
Molly: Oh, right. Fred, George, show him what to do.  
Fred: It’s like this *grabs a bit of Floo Powder and throws it into fire, which turns green. Fred steps into fire* DIAGON ALLEY! *engulfed in flames and disappears*  
Harry: I’m sure there’s more than one fireplace in Diagon Alley.  
George: Don’t worry, the Floo Powder knows what to do *follows Fred*  
Harry: I still think…  
Ron: Off you go *pushes him into the fire*  
Harry: Wait, I didn’t use any Floo Powder yet.  
Ron: Oh, right *throws some in for him*  
Harry: DIAGO *ash goes up his nose* N A…A…ACHOO *engulfed in green flames and disappears*  
Ron: That ain’t good.

*in an unknown shop*  
Harry: …LLEY *hits ground, glasses shattering* Son of a bitch. Well, at least there’s a spell to repair glasses. Fred, George, could one of you fix them? *no answer* Fred? George? Are you guys…I’m not in Diagon Alley am I? *notices various disturbing looking items* Nope, definitely not. I’m outta here *heads towards entrance, sees Draco and his father* Oh, you have got to be kidding me *hides in a nearby cabinet*  
Draco: Father, I thought we were buying a racing broom so I could beat Potter in Quidditch.  
Harry: *muttering* As if you could, bitch.  
Lucius: Soon boy, first daddy has to take care of some things *rings bell on counter. Creepy shop owner appears* Hello Mr. Borgin.  
Borgin: Ah, Lucius. What will it be today? A black quill? Hand of glory? Crushing cabinet?  
Harry: *muttering* Don’t let that be what I’m in.  
Lucius: I’m not buying today Borgin. I’m selling.  
Borgin: Well, your loss. So, what have you got for me?  
Lucius: Here’s a list of certain items I have acquired over the years that may connect me with our lord and saviour Voldemort. But with the Ministry conducting more and more raids lately…  
Borgin: And you want to pawn them off to me so I’ll get in trouble for them?  
Lucius: I have a lot of money to pay you to buy them.  
Borgin: That’s…not…yes, okay, I’ll be very interested in purchasing these items.  
Lucius: Excellent, I’ll see you tomorrow so I can pay you to buy my stuff. Come on Draco, let’s see if we can buy you on to the Quidditch team *leaves with Draco*  
Harry: Oh, I am going to have so much fun kicking his ass. There will be nothing that can ruin that game. Nothing. Now, let’s see if I can get out of here *opens cabinet and starts tiptoeing out of the store*  
Borgin: What the hell are you doing kid?  
Harry: Ahh...YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! *runs out of store into Hagrid*

Hagrid: ‘arry? Wha’ are yeh doin’ ‘ere?  
Harry: The better question is what are you, a person who lives and works on school grounds, doing in a place of pure evil?  
Hagrid: I was buyin’ flesh-eatin’ slug repellent. Those bastards keep eatin’ me cabbages.  
Harry: And normal slug repellent wasn’t enough?  
Hagrid: It is. I just wan’ ta really stick it to those bastards.  
Harry: You know what? Doesn’t matter. Do you at least know the way back to Diagon Alley?  
Hagrid: Yeh mean that *points out giant sign saying ‘Diagon Alley this way’ with an arrow surrounded by flashing lights*  
Harry: How the hell am I supposed to see that? My glasses are broken.  
Hagrid: How do you play Quidditch with eyesight that bad?  
Harry: Because main character logic. Seeya.  
Hagrid: Wait up. I have some business to take care of at the Leaky Cauldron.  
Harry: You mean drinking nine beers in a single sitting.  
Hagrid: Twelve Harry. What do you take me for, a lightweight?

*back in Diagon Alley*  
Molly: Harry, thank God. What would I have told your aunt and uncle if something had happened to you?  
Harry: It doesn’t matter. They’d probably celebrate. But anyway, apparently Malfoy’s father is worried about Ministry raids, so he was selling stuff.  
Arthur: Ah, good. That was my idea.  
Harry: Your…idea?  
Arthur: Yeah, I convinced the Ministry to raid ex-Death Eater houses in recent times.  
Harry: RECENT?! Voldemort died eleven years ago.  
*thunderclap*  
Arthur: Huh, not a cloud in the sky either. Well, we need to get some money for school supplies.

*enter Gringotts*  
Hermione: Harry! Ron!  
Harry: Hi Hermione. Those your parents?  
Hermione: Yep.  
Harry: Your muggle parents?  
Hermione: Yes.  
Harry: Do they know that guy’s a goblin?  
Hermione: Harry! That’s no way to talk about that short man’s physical deformity.  
Harry: That’s a woman.  
Hermione: Oh…so, you wanna get your cash out so we can get our stuff?

*in the vaults*  
Goblin: Vault 352.  
Harry: There should be a little bit in there, otherwise they wouldn’t have had seven kids *vault opens, revealing a handful of sickles and a galleon* Well, little was definitely right.  
Arthur: Molly really wanted a girl, and she wouldn’t stop until she got my one X sperm.  
Harry: I didn’t need to know that.

*later*  
Goblin: Vault 687.  
Ron: He surely can’t have that much. His aunt and uncle hate him, so they’d have taken most of it. Not to mention he’s an orphan *sees piles upon piles of galleons* What the fuck? You’re loaded.  
Harry: Yep. Want some?  
Molly: No, no, we’ll manage.  
Harry: No you won’t.  
Molly: No we won’t *takes some* Now, we’ll all meet up at Flourish and Blotts in an hour, okay?

*an hour later*  
Molly: Where the hell is everyone?  
Harry: *out of breath* Well, we’re just getting away from that *points to smoking remains of Gambol and Japes Wizarding Joke Shop*  
Molly: What the hell happened?  
Hermione: Fred and George…  
Molly: Say no more.  
Fred: Don’t worry mum, we’ll pay him back in three, four years tops.  
George: Maybe we should buy it?  
Fred: We’d never raise enough money.  
George: Wanna bet? Winner gets 80% of the profits.  
Fred: You’re on.

Ron: Now that you’re done foreshadowing, maybe you’ll notice that Gilderoy Lockhart is doing a book signing today.  
Fred: I was wondering why none of the middle age women ran away when we blew up the joke shop.  
Reporter: Hey, look, it’s Harry Potter. Are you here to meet your idol Gilderoy Lockhart?  
Harry: I hadn’t even heard of him until last week.  
Reporter: Excellent. I’ll get you to the front.  
Harry: No, waitwaitwaitwaitWAIT! *gets dragged to the front*  
Lockhart: *to his manager* Steve, what did I tell you about children? Get rid of him.  
Steve: Sir, first of all, that’s Harry Potter. Second, remember your ‘big announcement’?  
Lockhart: *sigh* Fine *wraps arm around Harry* What a great day it is ladies. You’re blessed by not one, but two celebrity buddies.  
Harry: Removed your arm before I remove it from your shoulder.  
Lockhart: And such a momentous occasion needs to be accompanied by a momentous announcement: I got a new haircut.  
Ladies: Oooh.  
Lockhart: *muttering* Also I’m gonna be the new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts.  
Harry: Well fuck.  
Fred: Well fuck indeed.  
George: Fifty three.  
Fred: You shut the fuck up.  
Lockhart: And as a present for helping make this event more special for my fans, I shall now give Harry all of my books for free.  
Harry: No, that’s okay, I can pay for *gets swamped in books* I was only going to buy the spellbook.

Lucius: The famous Harry Potter graciously receiving handouts? Don’t tell me living with the Weasel family has given you a case of poor.  
Harry: I don’t think that’s how poor works.  
Ginny: Yeah, you leave him alone *thoughts* Excellent. He’ll have to notice me after that.  
Lockhart: Poor? Oh God, I could be infected. Steve, get me to St. Mungo’s immediately *leaves*  
Arthur: Malfoy. What are you doing here?  
Lucius: What? I’m buying my son’s school supplies. Is there anything illegal about that?  
Arthur: For you, there’s always some ulterior motive.  
Lucius: Like making sure my son gets an education? I mean, I supported an evil man, but does that mean I can’t be a good father?  
Arthur: Okay, THAT’S IT! *attacks Lucius*  
Hagrid: *walks in* Aww, nice, a bar brawl. An’ in a bookshop this time *body slams Arthur and Lucius*  
Lucius: *dragging himself up* Okay, that’s it. Let’s see how you like your daughter being evil, Weasel *drops diary into Ginny’s cauldron before leaving*  
Arthur: Oh my God. He’s gonna make her write in a diary, turning her into a bratty tween. GET BACK HERE MA…  
Molly: Oh, just let it go Arthur. This chapter’s already way longer than it needs to be. Until next time.


	5. The Punching Pine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blah blah barrier blocked blah blah car stolen blah blah not expelled. You guys know what happens right?

Narrator: The end of the summer holidays came quick. On the final night before going back to school, Fred and George put on a fireworks display for the family. Unfortunately, they did so inside, and set fire to everything. Thank God for the Reparo spell. Anyway, the next morning, the family had to get ready as quickly as possible so they could drive to King’s Cross Station. Why they thought they could drive anywhere in London is beyond me, but still…

*7:00 A.M.*  
Molly: Okay, is everyone ready?  
Ron: Hold on, I’ve just gotta go to the bathroom.  
Molly: Good, it’s about a three hour drive. Do that now.

*7:10 A.M.*  
Molly: Okay, everyone in the car.  
Percy: Wait, I need to find my prefect badge.  
Molly: Ooh, we can’t forget that.

*7:25 A.M.*  
Molly: Okay, let’s go. We’re a little behind schedule, but we should be fine *Arthur starts car* You know, you wouldn’t think there’d be enough room in this car for eight people, six large trunks, two owls, and a rat.  
Arthur: Yeah, funny that.  
Molly: It’s like someone charmed a five seater to have extra space.  
Arthur: How utterly preposterous.  
Molly: Arthur, did you…  
George: Oh no, I forgot the rest of my fireworks.  
Molly: NO! You are not setting fire to Hogwarts again.  
Fred: And I forgot my broomstick.  
Molly: Goddamn it, we’re nearly at the motorway. I’ll send it to you tomorrow.  
Ginny: I forgot my diary.  
Molly: TURN THE DAMN CAR AROUND!  
Harry (thoughts): Huh, wouldn’t have thought of Ginny as the sort of girl to have a diary.  
Ginny (thoughts): I can’t believe I nearly left my secret notes on how to lure Harry into my clutches. Heck, the diary’s been giving some excellent advice in that regard.

*7:50 A.M.*  
Molly: Okay, has anyone else forgotten something?  
Percy: I…  
Molly: Fuck it, we’re going.

*King’s Cross Station, 10:45 A.M.*  
Arthur: You guys get out. I’ll find somewhere to park *everyone gets out of the car with their stuff*  
Molly: Kids. Barrier. Through now.  
Percy: Who first?  
Molly: Percy, you’re the only kid here I tolerate that isn’t Ginny…  
Harry: Gee, thanks.  
Molly: …that I squeezed out…  
Harry: Oh…eww.  
Molly: …but if you say one more word before you get on that fucking train, I will personally castrate you.  
*Percy turns pale and runs through barrier*  
Molly: Fred. George. Ginny. Ron. Harry. Come on *follows Fred and George with Ginny through barrier*

Ron: Hey Harry, wanna play Ticklybutt?  
Harry: Okay, first of all, no stealing jokes from Grimmjack. Second of all, no. Especially not in a public place.  
Ron: Too late.  
Harry: Fuck off *runs away, crashes into barrier to Platform 9 ¾* Uhh, Ron, did your brothers and/or sister and/or mother go through this barrier to the platform?  
Ron: Oh shit, we’ll never make it on to the platform in time for the train.  
Harry: Let’s not panic. We still have five minutes. Sooner or later your mum will notice that we’re not there, come to investigate, and find the barrier can’t be gotten through. And even if we can’t find a way through, I could just send a message to Hogwarts with Hedwig so they know something weird happened.  
Ron: I’ve got a better idea.  
Harry: Actually, I think my idea’s very sensible.  
Ron: Too bad *drags Harry out of the station*

Arthur: Finally, I found a spot.  
Ron: Gimme a ride, bitch *throws Arthur out of the car while loading his and Harry’s things into the car*  
Arthur: Hey, those two random hoodlums just stole my car.  
Ron: *starts car and gets it to fly* Now we just have to fly after the train.  
Harry: This is breaking so many rules. I mean, we’re in a flying car above one of the most populated cities in the world, and when we get expelled for this I’ll be the first to say I told you so.  
Ron: And I’ll be the first to say I told you so when we don’t get expelled. Now how about some road head?  
Harry: First of all, eww. Second of all, we’re not on the road. Third of all, eww.  
Ron: You’re right, I should be focusing on the road.  
Harry: We’re not on the…oh, fuck it.

*several hours later*  
Ron: We must be getting close to Hogwarts by now.  
Harry: Yeah, now that only half the country has seen us. Seriously, that Ministry owl must be trying its hardest to tell us we’ve been kicked out of Hogwarts...speaking of which, there it is *car splutters* What was that?  
Ron: The car’s probably running out of fuel.  
Harry: You can make this thing fly, but didn’t think to change that it needs petrol?  
Ron: Hey, dad’s the one who OH SHIT WE’RE GOING DOWN! *crashes into a tree* Phew, good thing we only hit a tree.  
Whomping Willow: What you say bitch? *smashes car’s hood*  
Harry: Oh, yeah, that’d be right. We hit the only tree that can fight back.  
Whomping Willow: Oh, so you did this intentionally?  
Harry: Ron, for the love of God reverse.  
Ron: *backs car to just barely out of Whomping Willow’s range* Yeah, can’t hit us now.  
Whomping Willow: Is that what you think? Well guess what? I’m descended from Ents *starts pulling itself out of the ground*  
Harry: Drive drive DRIVE!  
Car: Fuck this *ejects Harry, Ron, and their stuff*  
Ron: My parents are going to kill me.  
Whomping Willow: Not if I do it first *tries to pull itself out of the ground and fails*  
Harry: Alright buddy, have fun with that. We need to go get expelled.

*up at the castle*  
Ron: *looking through a window* Hey Harry, look, Snape’s not there.  
Harry: Of course he isn’t. He died in January, remember?  
Snape: That was horrible taste, Mr. Potter.  
Harry: HOLY SHIT A ZOMBIE!  
Snape: And to think, we were going to let you off and solely punish Mr. Weasley. Well, come down to my dungeon boys.  
Harry: If you were a little…actually, a lot less creepy…  
Snape: Quiet Potter.

*in the dungeon*  
Snape: So, whose genius idea was it to fly a car over half the country, alerting millions of muggles to our existence?  
Harry: That would be Ron. I suggested sending an owl so that…  
Snape: Shut up. I have informed Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore about your arrival, and they are extremely pissed, though Dumbledore may need reminding as to why *enter McGonagall and Dumbledore* Ah, here we go. Don’t make this too long, I’ve been waiting a year for this moment.  
McGonagall: *glaring* You. Explain.  
Harry: The Hogwarts Express barrier didn’t work, so…  
McGonagall: Yes, we found that out when all the parents trapped on the other side tried to get back and couldn’t. So, you decided to steal a car and fly it instead of sending an owl like a sensible wizard?  
Harry: I told you so Ron. Now that we’ve been expelled…  
Dumbledore: You’re not expelled.  
Snape: What?  
McGonagall: What?  
Harry: What?  
Ron: I told you so Harry.  
Snape: Sir, I must ask why, since this is a completely idiotic decision.  
Dumbledore: Well, for one thing, I can’t remember why they’re in trouble…  
McGonagall: They flew a freaking car across the better part of the country.  
Dumbledore: …but I’m sure they’ve learned their lesson. Look how sorry Harry is.  
Harry: I did nothing. It was literally all Ron.  
Dumbledore: But I should make an example of you and give you detention and write a letter to your families.  
Harry: Yes, I’m sure my family will be VERY disappointed in me.  
McGonagall: Well, I guess that settles it then. You won’t be leaving as everyone expected. Including your brother Fred. So, here’s some sandwiches and pumpkin juice. You won’t be joining the feast, and when you’re done you will go straight to your dormitories.  
Ron: Before you go, do you know what house my sister was sorted into?  
McGonagall: Well, she was almost sorted in Slytherin, but all of a sudden there seemed to be smoke coming out of the Sorting Hat and he changed it to Gryffindor. Well, enjoy.

*outside the door*  
Snape: Did you remember to put the laxatives in the sandwiches?  
McGonagall: Of course. As well as some stool softeners and stool hardeners. Because I knew Albus wouldn’t remember to expel them, so this is the next best punishment we can deal out.  
Snape: Good work *high fives McGonagall* I even stole the toilet paper from the nearest bathroom.

*later, outside the boys bathroom*  
Harry: Jeez, I didn’t think anyone could beat a magical toilet, but there you have it. And it only cost me a pair of Uncle Vernon’s old socks.  
Ron: At least your hand-me-downs have only been through one person. Those socks had been in my family for seven generations.

*on the seventh floor*  
Hermione: Are you two INSANE?!  
Harry: How many times do I have to explain that it was Ron’s idea?  
Hermione: And you didn’t try to stop him?  
Harry: I gave him a perfectly good alternative. He took the path of stupidity.  
Ron: Hey, what’s the new password?  
Hermione: It’s wattlebird, but I…  
Fat Lady: Password accepted *opens up*  
Ron: Ditching *goes it Common Room*  
Hermione: Goddamn it *follows with Harry*  
Seamus: Hey, they’re here *entire Common Room cheers*  
Percy: We should not be applauding this.  
Dean: Man, why you gotta be such a stick in the mud? Here *puts a party hat on Percy’s head*  
Harry: Aww, you planned this entire party for us?  
George: Well, yeah. Plus Fred lost more money because of you.  
Fred: I honestly thought I could make it all back from the girl wearing the Butterbeer cap necklace ending up in Hufflepuff.  
Harry: Weird. What was her name? You know what, forget it. It’s not like she’ll turn up half way through the series and become the best character ever.  
Lee: I had no idea you guys had it in you. Fred and George need to step their game up.  
Neville: And I thought sneaking into the third floor corridor would be your crowning achievement.  
Harry: Hello? Dark Lord, beaten twice, turned twelve barely a month ago.  
Ron: Well, after all that excitement today, me and Harry are exhausted, so we better get to bed, right Harry?  
Harry: Err…yeah *follows Ron upstairs*  
Hermione: Huh, he’s awfully submissive this time.

Harry: *gets into bed* Ron, where are you putting that hand?  
Ron: Just grabbing this.  
Harry: Well guess what? Those laxatives haven’t worn off…wait, are we ending on a poop joke?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a bit late, but R. I. P. Alan Rickman. Also David Bowie. I know he wasn’t in Harry Potter, but I’m not planning to do a Labyrinth Abridged anytime soon so I’ll put it here.


	6. Arrogant Douchecanoe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What else was I supposed to call a chapter named after Lockhart?

Harry: Yep, we ended on a poop joke. We’ve sunk that low people.

*at breakfast the next morning*  
Neville: I hope the post gets here soon. I think I forgot something.  
Hermione: Like your pants.  
Harry: Again.  
Seamus: Hey, leave him alone. He knows what he wants and it doesn’t require pants.

*the post arrives. Errol, holding a red envelope, lands in front of Ron after skidding the length of the table*  
Dean: Uh oh, someone got a Howler.  
Ron: What did I do?  
Harry: You committed grand theft auto. Most legal systems consider that a felony.  
Neville: You have to open it. Remember what happened to me?  
Seamus: Yeah, Filch was scraping it off the floor, walls, and ceiling for months.  
*Ron opens the Howler and everyone immediately covers their ears as a loud scream fills the Great Hall. The howler finishes and immediately burns up*  
Dean: Hey, look. There was a second Howler inside the first.  
Ron: Oh God *opens second Howler, then covers his ears. The Howler grows a pair of arms and uncovers his ears, then leans right in next to his ear*  
Howler: *clears throat, then talks with Molly’s voice* Sorry, had to get my unintelligible rage out before I could get to the intelligible rage. RONALD BILLIUS WEASLEY! WHAT THE FUCK POSSESSED YOU TO STEAL THAT FUCKING CAR?! YOU ARE NOT FRED AND GEORGE! DIDN’T YOU THINK THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, HARRY SENDING HEDWIG WOULD BE A BETTER IDEA?! YOUR FATHER IS FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK, SEEING AS HE’S HEAD OF THE MISUSE OF MUGGLE ARTIFACTS DEPARTMENT! IF I HEAR THE VAGUEST HINT THAT YOU LITTLE FUCKTRUMPET BROKE ANY MORE RULES, I WILL PERSONALLY COME DOWN THERE AND DRAG YOU HOME BY YOUR CRUSHED TESTICLES, WHICH I WILL CRUSH MYSELF! *in Arthur’s voice* Honey, don’t you think that’s a little harsh? *in Molly’s voice* Aren’t you meant to be at your inquiry? *in Arthur’s voice* I had an inquiry? *Molly screams in more unintelligible rage, causing the Howler to explode violently*

Filch: I am not cleaning that up.  
McGonagall: You will do what you’re paid for.  
Filch: You mean terrorise kids with my pussy?  
McGonagall: …eww.

*later, outside the Herbology greenhouses*  
Hermione: I wonder where Professor Sprout is.  
Sprout: I’m here children. I would have been earlier if SOMEONE *glares at Harry and Ron* hadn’t broken several branches on the Whomping Willow.  
Whomping Willow: *in the distance* I’LL GET YOU FUCKERS!  
Lockhart: And let’s not forget who helped you bandage it.  
Sprout: You didn’t do anything except yell things I was about to do anyway.  
Lockhart: Hey, moral support is a type of help *sees Harry* Ah, Harry. Professor Sprout, might I have a word with him?  
Harry: No.  
Sprout: No.  
Lockhart: Excellent. I’ll only be a minute or so.  
Sprout: *heavy sigh* Whatever. Greenhouse Three people *leads class into Greenhouse*  
Lockhart: *grabs Harry by the front of his shirt* Listen here you little punk. I’m supposed to be the most famous person here. ME! I’m the most important person in the school. What the fuck do you think you’re doing, one upping me by driving a flying car to school?  
Harry: First of all, I saved the world as a baby. Pretty sure that trumps anything you’ve ever done. Second, I’m pretty sure as Headmaster, Dumbledore is the most important person here, though how he got that position is beyond me. And third, RON DROVE THE CAR! I got dragged into it against my will.  
Lockhart: *glaring at Harry* I’m watching you kid *points at his eyes in a V-shape before pointing at Harry*

*in class*  
Sprout: For today’s lesson, we’ll be potting mandrakes. Who can tell me…  
Seamus: AN APHRODISIAC!  
Sprout: And itching acid. Yes, and let’s hope you learned your lesson from last time.  
Seamus: Nope.  
Sprout: *sigh* Go to the Hospital Wing. Anyone else know what a mandrake can do?  
Hermione: It’s a very powerful medicinal herb, capable of healing just about anything.  
Sprout: Very good. Now, can anyone tell me why it’s very dangerous?  
Seamus: *from outside* “It’s an itching acid.  
Sprout: Anyone else?  
Hermione: When removed from the earth, they emit a high pitch screech that kills anyone who hears it.  
Ron: And you’ll probably explain this away with science.  
Hermione: Well, all living things communicate in some way or another. It makes sense that some plants may be able to do so with actual sound.  
Sprout: Now, luckily these plants are too young to kill anyone…  
Harry: Damn. Draco lives another day.  
Sprout: …but they will knock you out for a few hours, so you’ll need earmuffs.  
Dean: Do they have to be pink and fluffy?  
Paviti: They’re not pink, they’re light red.  
Lavender: We’re stealing from Rooster Teeth now?  
Sprout: Everyone get into groups of four. Come on.  
Justin: Hey, can I join you guys?  
Harry: Sorry, main characters only.  
Justin: I could be a main character if you let me.  
Ron: Okay, what can you offer the main cast?  
Justin: I…err…  
Ron: That’s what I thought.

*later, in Transfiguration*  
McGonagall: Alright class, today we’ll be turning a beetle into a button.  
Ron: Professor McGonagall, my wand is broken.  
McGonagall: And whose fault is that?  
Ron: The person who closed the gate on us.  
McGonagall: Well, just do the best you can.  
Ron: *casts spell. Wand backfires and sends him flying into the back wall* I think my brain is hanging out with my heart.  
Harry: You knew that would happen, didn’t you?  
McGonagall: And your point?  
Seamus: Professor, I used the beetle to button spell on my…  
McGonagall: Damn it Finnigan.

*at lunch*  
Hermione: Hey, look. We have Defence against the Dark Arts next with you know who.  
Harry: Voldemort? *lightning crash*  
Ron: Damn it Harry, don’t say that name.  
Harry: He’s dead. What’s gonna do?  
Hermione: Didn’t you meet him last year?  
Harry: Okay, so he’s a broken husk of what he once was. What’s he gonna do, have one of his followers revive him to full strength in just under three years?  
Colin: Um…excuse me? Are you Harry Potter?  
Harry: That I am.  
Colin: Can…can I get a selfie with you?  
Harry: What’s a selfie?  
Colin: And have you sign it?  
Harry: I haven’t agreed yet.  
Colin: Sweet *gets into a selfie position with Harry*  
Draco: Handing out signed pictures now Potter?  
Harry: Yes, because unlike you, people actually want my picture…wait, I didn’t agree to this.  
Lockhart: Oh my Mr. Potter, don’t you remember our little discussion earlier about flaunting your fame?  
Harry: Not exactly flaunting the fact that an evil man died by my hand…well, head technically.  
Lockhart: How would you like my picture Mr. Creevey?  
Colin: No thanks.  
Lockhart: Really, I don’t mind *reaches for camera*  
Colin: Don’t touch my camera, freak *runs away, Lockhart glares at Harry*

*in Defence against the Dark Arts*  
Lockhart: Hello, children. I am the most famous wizard of all time, Gilderoy Lockhart. Of course, you’d know that already if you’ve been reading my books.  
Dean: You mean those erotic novels?  
Lockhart: Yeah, those.  
Seamus: I sort of ruined all of your books.  
Lockhart: What did you…oh. Eww. Well, at least you’ll have no problem on the test.  
Harry: Test?  
Lockhart: Yes Mr. Nowhere-Near-As-Famous-As-Me, a test. Question one: What made the hero realise he was in love with the hag in Holidays with Hags?  
Harry: You’re not serious.  
Lockhart: Question two: If the name of Year with a Yeti was accurate, what would the title really be?  
Harry: You arrogant douchecanoe.  
You: Hey, Kieran did the fourth wall breaking thing.

*later*  
Lockhart: And finally, question fifty four: what is the troll’s favourite sex toy?  
Seamus: Uh, can I go to the Hospital Wing?  
Lockhart: What’s wrong?  
Seamus: Because while we talking about your erotica, I spent the entire test masturbating, and now I’m stuck to the desk.  
Lockhart: You’re excused.  
Seamus: Thanks *stands up, desk rises with him. Seamus attempts to walk out of the room with the desk stuck to his crotch, and knocks a bunch of things over, including a covered cage*  
Lockhart: Oh no, not the Cornish Pixies.  
Neville: Pixies? Not even I can get hurt by them.  
Harry: Neville, they hung you from the chandelier while you were talking. Hey, where’s Lockhart?  
Hermione: He wants us to show our skill by recatching these large insects for him.  
Ron: Of course that’s all they are to you.  
Harry: Shouldn’t he help do it, seeing as he’s, you know, THE TEACHER?!  
Hermione: How are we supposed to learn if we don’t work unsupervised?  
Ron: That lazy cu…


	7. Racism and Death Threats (My Two Favourite Things)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a reason I enjoyed this chapter.

Oliver: *trying to wake Harry* Harry…Harry…WAKE THE FUCK UP HARRY!  
Harry: Damn it Colin I don’t want a…oh, it’s you Oliver.  
Oliver: Of course it is. Who else would it be?  
Harry: I can think of a few people. So, what is it? The sun isn’t even up yet.  
Oliver: Exactly. We’re gonna start Quidditch training early.  
Harry: Can’t early just mean before the other teams?  
Oliver: Nope. Meet me on the pitch in fifteen minutes *leaves*  
Harry: I wonder if he’s gonna try and tell the girls? *waits a few seconds, hears Wood getting flung across the Common Room* Yep.

Colin: What’s going on Harry? Why are you up at this hour?  
Harry: Err…no reason.  
Colin: Are you doing that Quidditch thing I keep hearing about? I heard you’re the youngest player in a long while. Can I come? Ooh, can I play?  
Harry: This is why I avoid you.  
Colin: Hey, look at the selfie I got developed…err…  
Harry: What is it? *looks at picture, sees picture Lockhart has beaten picture Harry to death with a candlestick and trying to look innocent about it* And that’s why I avoid Lockhart.  
Colin: So, when do we start training?  
Harry: What do you mean we?  
Colin: Well, since we’re such good friends…  
Harry: Sorry, but the stalker position has already been filled. Good bye *leaves, Colin follows*

*later*  
Oliver: What took you so long?  
Harry: I was being chased by the Hogwarts paparazzi.  
Oliver: We have paparazzi?  
Harry: We do now.  
Oliver: Well, anyway, this year we’re gonna go harder and deeper than ever, and NO-ONE *glares at Harry* is going to end up in Madame Pomfrey’s bed right before the last game.  
Harry: I was saving the world.  
Oliver: And now, here’s our new team strategy *flicks wand, revealing fifteen blackboards of complicated diagrams*  
Rest of the team: Ugh.

*two hours later*  
Oliver: …and with this completely simple and fool proof strategy, we will win every game. Any questions? *sees the team snoring* WAKE THE FUCK UP!  
Fred: Can we just go train now?  
Oliver: *glares at him, then sighs* Fine, let’s go *leads team onto the pitch, sees Slytherin team practicing* HEY! We had the pitch reserved.  
Marcus: Duh, until 9:00. It’s now 9:03.  
Oliver: But…but…  
Marcus: And we have a new seeker to train.  
Oliver: Really? What was wrong with Terence?  
Marcus: Terence’s father didn’t give us all Nimbus 2001s *entire team shows off their brooms*  
Oliver: What the fuck? Those only came out a month ago. Who has the money to buy seven of them?  
Harry: It’s Malfoy, isn’t it?  
Draco: How the hell did you know that?  
Harry: Ahh…internet?  
Draco: What the fuck’s an internet?

Ron: *coming up with Hermione* Hey Harry, do you need our help kicking his ass?  
Harry: No need. Wood essentially forfeited our practice time, so they’re in the right for once.  
Draco: Yeah, piss off with your filthy little mudblood friend.  
*stunned silence*  
Harry: I assume there was something mean about that.  
George: Harry, he said the m-word.  
Harry: What, mudblood?  
Ron: You have no right to say that word. That’s their word.  
Hermione: Whose word?  
Oliver: Oh no, she’s so traumatised by this that she didn’t hear what was said about her.  
Ron: Okay, that’s it *pulls out wand*  
Harry: Ron, your wand is *Ron’s wand backfires, sending him flying across the Quidditch pitch* broken. Are you okay?  
Ron: Yeah, I’m fine *throws up a bunch of slugs* No I’m not.  
Draco: So, are we allowed to continue to train yet?  
Ron: THIS ISN’T OVER MALFOY!  
Draco: I think it is.  
Harry: He’s right *picks up Ron* Come on, let’s get you to Hagrid’s. He’ll know what to do *stops next to Draco, turns Ron head at him as Ron coughed up more slugs* Oops. Sorry.  
Draco: You wait Potter. We’ll crush you when we play.  
Harry: Bring it bitch.

*later, approaching Hagrid’s*  
Hermione: Almost there now Ron.  
Harry: *sees Lockhart exiting Hagrid’s* Hang in there buddy *drags him and Hermione behind a large tree*  
Hermione: Come on Harry, you’ve read Lockhart’s books. Maybe he can help.  
Harry: Seriously? He writes about his “conquests”, none of which are human. Why is he not in jail?  
Hermione: HARRY! That’s no way to talk about people with massive physical deformities that Lockhart happened to fall in love with.  
Harry: Well, he’s gone now, so let’s go. * knocks on Hagrid’s door*  
Hagrid: *opens door* ‘ello ‘arry. ‘ello ‘ermione. Wha’s wrong wit’ *Ron throws up a bunch of slugs onto Hagrid’s shoes* Aye see. Come on in.

*later*  
Harry: It’s too bad you can’t have any of this delicious treacle fudge Ron. It’s so sweet, you would love them.  
Ron: *throws up more slugs* Fuck you Harry.  
Harry: You wish. Anyway Hagrid, how’d you make this stuff?  
Hagrid: Aye poured ‘oney onta a brick an’ melted it.  
Harry: Knew I shouldn’t have asked.  
Hermione: So Hagrid, why was Lockhart here?  
Hagrid: Aye’ve been ‘aving a ‘ittle problem with the roosters.  
Hermione: Like what?  
Hagrid: They keep getting’ ‘emselves strangled.  
Harry: I find it hard to believe that’s the rooster’s fault. Seriously, how long has this been happening?  
Hagrid: Start o’ term.  
Harry: *muttering* And Ginny started here this year…  
Hagrid: So Why’s Ron throwin’ up slugs?  
Hermione: Malfoy called me something, and Ron tried to curse him. But with his broken wand…  
Hagrid: Say n’ more. So what did ‘e called yeh?  
Hermione: Mudblood.  
Hagrid: Oh no, not the m-word.  
Harry: Seriously, what the fuck is a mudblood?  
Hagrid: ‘ARRY, I will not ‘ave that kinda language in this cottage. The m-word is reserved for people with non-magical parents like ‘ermione.  
Harry: Why does everyone treat mudblood like it’s the word ni…

*later, in the Hospital Wing*  
Harry: How’d I get here?  
Ron: Dean came out of nowhere to knock you out before you got us banned from Fanfiction and Archive of Our Own.  
McGonagall: And now that you’re awake, I can give you your detentions for your little road trip.  
Harry: Will pointing out how little I had to do with it do any good?  
McGonagall: No. Mr. Weasley, you will be helping Mr. Filch clean the Trophy Room.  
Ron: Can’t you just expel me instead?  
McGonagall: And Mr. Potter, you’ll be helping Professor Lockhart address his fanmail.  
Harry: Can we please trade?  
McGonagall: Professor Lockhart has specifically asked for you.  
Harry: Is the killing curse still illegal? I’ll take that if it isn’t.  
McGonagall: Well, enjoy.  
Harry: I will gladly lick every bathroom clean, including the one me and Ron broke, instead of that. Please?

*later*  
Lockhart: Hello Mr. Potter.  
Harry: *muttering* Son of a bitch. Okay, let’s get this over with *follows Lockhart into his office, sees mountains of fanmail* HOLY CRAP!  
Lockhart: Impressive isn’t it? This is what happens when you’re famous for being the only British man to brush his teeth. But, if that’s what it takes to win the Most Charming Smile award, then it’s a small price to pay. Now, you can start by addressing letters to every single person that’s written to me.  
Harry: And how many people is that?  
Lockhart: At last count, seventy five thousand, seven hundred and forty four.  
Harry: Just kill me now.  
???: That can be arranged.  
Harry: Say what?  
Lockhart: I didn’t say anything.  
Harry: Didn’t you just…  
???: Let me rip you…let me tear you…let me KILL you.  
Harry: …say those things that you couldn’t have said because your mouth wasn’t moving.  
Lockhart: Harry, stop pretending those weird hissing noises are words and get to work.  
Harry (thoughts): Ginny, I don’t know what you’ve done, but it will have horrible consequences whatever it is.


	8. The Unaliveday Celebration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the chapter with Nearly Headless Nick's deathday party. As if you didn't already know that.

Harry: *dripping and covered in mud* Damn Oliver, why the hell should we be training in this weather?  
Nick: *looking up from a letter* Seems to me he just likes to get his teammates wet and dirty.  
Harry: Damn it Nick. Hey, what have you got there?  
Nick: Oh, nothing. Just my five hundredth rejection letter from the Headless Hunt.  
Harry: Well of course they rejected you. You’re only nearly headless.  
Nick: It’s not my fault. My executioner had a blunt axe.  
Harry: And whose fault was it you were getting executed?  
Nick: Do you know how similar tusks and teeth are?  
Harry: How do you get…oh, wait, English.  
Nick: That’s what I thought. Say, my five hundredth deathday party is coming up soon. Would you and your friends…  
Harry: Oh, gee, well, I’d love to, but I think I’m busy that night. Gotta go, bye *turns to leave and trips over Mrs. Norris* Fucking pussy.  
Filch: What are you doing to my pussy? HOLY SHIT DID YOU TRACK MUD ALL OVER THE CARPET?!  
Harry: Relax, you can just magic all away right?  
Filch: *fuming* You. My office. Now.

*in Filch’s office*  
Filch: Name: Harry Potter. Crime: Destruction of castle property…  
Harry: It’s mud. A muggle can clean it up.  
Filch: *seemingly angrier* Crime: Disrespecting authority…  
Harry: Asshole.  
Filch: Two counts. Suggested punishment: Himalayan banishment.  
Harry: For tracking mud? Really? Flick of the wrist and any decent wizard would have…  
Filch: YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH BOY! As soon as Dumbledore sees my completely fair and reasonable suggestion, you’ll be *loud crash from upstairs* PEEVES!  
Harry: I would rather not be Peeves.  
Filch: No, he just broke something. Come Mrs. Norris, we might still be able to catch him *leaves room*

Harry: How does he expect to catch…hey, what’s this *picks up magazine* “How To Learn Magic When You’re A Squib”. I wonder what a squib is. Maybe if I keep reading…  
Filch: Are you touching my shit?  
Harry: No *sees he’s still holding magazine, throws it on the desk*  
Filch: *about to explode* Out. Now. And don’t speak of this to anyone.  
Harry: So, I’m off the hook?  
Filch: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE!  
Harry: I’ll take that as a yes *leaves*

Nick: Ah, Harry, I see Filch hasn’t sent you to the Himalayas, so I assume Peeves did as I asked.  
Harry: Wait, you did this?  
Nick: Yep. Now you have to come to my party. I mean, I did just get you out of detention.  
Harry: …*sighs* Fine.  
Nick: And bring your friends.  
Harry: Only the hot one’s my friend.

*Halloween night*  
Hermione: So, instead of feasting in the nice warm Great Hall with every other student, we’re heading down to the freezing dungeons with a bunch of artificially intelligent holograms who reflect the lives of dead people from different eras?  
Harry: If that’s how you want to view it then yes, that’s it exactly.  
Ron: Don’t worry Harry, I’ll keep you warm.  
Harry: Why did I invite you?

*enter dungeon*  
Nick: Ah, Harry, Ron, Hermione. Welcome. Feel free to join the festivities.  
Ron: Is there any food here?  
Nick: Why yes, over on that table.  
Ron: Awesome *heads over to table* Ah Nick? You are aware that food has an expiry right?  
Nick: What makes you say that?  
Ron: Because fish with maggots is inedible.  
Nick: But the maggots are the best part.  
Harry: Do ghosts even eat?

Hermione: Uh oh.  
Harry: What?  
Hermione: It’s the hologram…  
Harry: Ghost.  
Hermione: …from the girl’s bathroom.  
Harry: What’s wrong with that?  
Hermione: Do you know how difficult it is to pee while someone’s moaning about how depressed she is?  
Myrtle: Oh you’re talking about me behind my back? That’s okay, everyone always does.  
Hermione: No, no Myrtle, I didn’t mean it in a bad way.  
Myrtle: Oh? Then what way did you mean it?  
Hermione: In a…uh… *headless people on horses suddenly appear* Oh look, a distraction. Let’s talk about this never.

Podmore: Hello, ladies and gentlemen of Sir Nicholas’s deathday party. My name is Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore, leader of the Headless Hunt, and I now declare this party to be a celebration dedicated to the Headless Hunt.  
Nick: Why thank you.  
Podmore: For what?  
Nick: You’ve finally decided to accept me into the Headless Hunt, so that’s why the party’s now yours, right?  
Podmore: Fuck no. We just want to party.  
Nick: …what?  
Podmore: Yeah, parties are kind of our thing.  
Harry: Can’t one of you just finish the job so Nick can join?  
Podmore: Stay out of this, you living atrocity.  
Harry: I don’t think anyone has ever been insulted about being alive before.  
Nick: Okay, that’s it *tackles Podmore*  
Harry: And that’s our cue to leave *drags Ron and Hermione out of the party*

Ron: I kinda wanted to see who’d win.  
Harry: They’re ghosts. They don’t have limited stamina, so they can keep going for…what was that?  
Hermione: What was…  
Harry: Shh, there it is again.  
???: Free…free to kill…so hungry…  
Harry: Can’t you hear that voice?  
Ron: All I hear is an ominous hissing.  
Harry: Come on, let’s see what it is.  
Ron: If this thing is trying to kill someone/thing, shouldn’t we run away from the danger?  
Harry: We’re protagonists Ron. This is what we do.

*on the second floor*  
Hermione: Harry, there’s no way you heard someone about to be killed up here from the dungeons. Are you sure you’re not a paranoid schizophrenic…what is that?  
Harry: It appears to be a message reading “The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir, beware” written in what I believe is blood.  
Ron: Harry, is that Mrs. Norris hanging from the torch bracket?  
Harry: That would be her. I’d assume she was just trying to avoid all this water on the floor if it wasn’t for the fact that she’s hanging by her tail, in a very neat bow I must add, and appears to be frozen.  
Ron: Well, at least no-one else is around to see us with all this incriminating evidence *sees that the rest of the student body has finished the feast and is staring in horror at what they’re seeing* Uh oh…  
Draco: You guys done goofed now.


	9. The Script on the Stone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and friends avoid expulsion by being main characters, and they learn about the Chamber of Secrets.

Filch: Alright, alright, what’s going on here *sees Mrs. Norris* WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!  
Harry: Now, before you jump to any conclusions…  
Filch: YOU KILLED MY FUCKING CAT!  
Harry: This is why I asked you not to jump to conclusions, because you see...  
Filch: I’LL HAVE YOUR HEADS FOR THIS!  
McGonagall: *arriving with other teachers* That’s enough Argus.  
Filch: But…  
McGonagall: No. If you were a real wizard *Filch glares at her* you’d know that magic like this is well beyond three second-year students.  
Harry: But Professor, one of them is me.  
McGonagall: Oh, and I suppose you know the killing curse then?  
Harry: I know how to survive it.  
Snape: Perhaps we should continue this somewhere private.  
Lockhart: My office is closest.  
Snape: Isn’t that cute? He’s trying to be useful.

*in Lockhart’s office. Dumbledore is examining Mrs. Norris*  
Lockhart: It’s too bad I wasn’t there. I could have cast the spell to save her from such a terrible death…  
Dumbledore: The cat’s not dead.  
Lockhart: …which I will save her from as soon as it’s cast.  
Snape: What makes you so sure sir?  
Dumbledore: Well, for one thing she has a heartbeat…  
Harry: You pretty much had your nose in that cat’s butt just before.  
Dumbledore: But also, I decided it wasn’t dead.  
Snape: You can’t do that sir.  
Dumbledore: Too late. Just did.  
Harry: Does that make the cat alive and dead at the same time?  
Hermione: Like Schrödinger’s cat?  
Ron: What the fuck’s a Schrödinger?  
Filch: So what’s wrong with her?  
Dumbledore: The cat’s a girl?  
Ron: We’ve only ever used female pronouns to describe her.  
Snape: I believe the cat is petrified.  
Dumbledore: Yeah, let’s go with that.  
McGonagall: I’ll send an owl to St. Mungo’s asking for some Mandrake Restorative Draught.  
Dumbledore: Do you think we’re made of money? We’ll just use the ones Pomona’s students potted at the start of the year.  
McGonagall: They’re only two months old.  
Dumbledore: So?  
McGonagall: They won’t be ready for another seven months.  
Dumbledore: But we’ll save money right?  
Hermione: Can we get back to the whole petrified cat thing? Obviously someone had to have done this.  
Harry: *under his breath* Probably Ginny.  
Filch: YOU HEAR THAT?! He admitted it. He’s rubbing in that he’s a wizard and I’m a squib.  
Harry: I don’t even know what that is.  
Ron: A muggle with two magical parents.  
Harry: *pointing at Filch and sounding like Nelson* HA HA!  
Snape: But it does beg the question of why you were there in the first place.  
Harry: We’re the protagonists. We’re supposed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.  
Dumbledore: Their story checks out. They’re free to go.

*a week and a half later, in the library. Justin sees Harry and friends, then runs off*  
Harry: That keeps happening these days.  
Ron: Who cares? He won’t contribute anything to the plot.  
Harry: I wonder if I should tell someone about the voice I heard.  
Ron: I don’t think admitting you have a voice in your head is going to help anything.  
Harry: Why not? What if it’s some kind of dark magic that needs to be stopped now? I’m sure most of the teachers here could handle anything thrown at them.  
Ron: But we’re child protagonists in a children’s book series. The adults won’t believe there’s a problem until it bites them on the ass, and we’ll be the only ones able to stop it either way.  
Hermione: If you two are done breaking the fourth wall…  
Harry: I have more but go on.  
Hermione: I can’t find out anything about the Chamber of Secrets. I know I saw something about it in “Hogwarts: A History”, but I can’t remember what it was.  
Ron: Don’t you have a copy? Which you memorised?  
Hermione: I…err…spent the summer memorising Lockhart’s books.  
Harry: Really? You would rather memorise the magical E. L. James…  
Hermione: That reference is too modern.  
Harry: …than something useful?  
Hermione: Okay, first of all Kieran, lay off the Fifty Shades author. This is the second consecutive thing you’ve written where you’ve taken a shot at her. Second, he is a wonderful author.  
Ron: Debateable.  
Hermione: And third, I think I know where we can find our answers.

*in History of Magic later*  
Binns: And so, at the International Wizarding Convention of 1289…  
Hermione: Excuse me, Professor Binns?  
Binns: What the? Why have you got your hand up child?  
Hermione: Isn’t this what a student asking a question is supposed to do?  
Binns: *thinks for a moment* Ah, yes, that’s right. So, what is it, Miss…err…  
Hermione: Granger sir.  
Binns: Ah, Smith. I knew that.  
Hermione: Right…well, I was wondering if you knew anything about the Chamber of Secrets *several students raised their sleeping heads*  
Binns: *noticing people were paying attention* Oh, sure. Whenever I’m talking about actual history I’m a boring old man, but as soon as someone asks about myths and legends suddenly you’re interested.  
Dean: In all fairness, reality sucks. Fiction is so much better.  
Seamus: Especially porn.  
Binns: Is that why the only lesson that anyone ever listens in is “The Coming of the Prostitutes in 1069”?  
Seamus: I never hurt my dick in class faster. Speaking of which…  
Binns: Go to the Hospital Wing Mr…err…  
Seamus: Finnigan.  
Binns: Jones. Got it. Now, where was I?  
Harry: Explaining about the Chamber of Secrets.  
Binns: Really? That doesn’t sound like me.  
Ron: Nope, you definitely said, and I quote, ‘fuck this lesson, let’s learn about the Chamber of Secrets’.  
Binns: Can’t see why you can’t just get Minnie to tell you, but whatever.  
Ron: Did he just call McGonagall ‘Minnie’?  
Harry: Shh. Story.  
Binns: Long ago, Salazar Slytherin was being a jerk and tried to make Hogwarts wizard-born exclusive, so the other Founders kicked him out, to which he said ‘jokes on you, I have a hidden chamber in the castle that hides a monster’, so the others tried to find it, then figured that asshole was being an asshole-ier asshole and stopped.  
Harry: And the fact that this obscure detail has suddenly become a massive talking point and is accompanied by a petrified cat isn’t cause for alarm?  
Binns: Nope.  
Harry: I’m gonna nearly die again this year, aren’t I?

*later*  
Colin: Harry, did you hear?  
Harry: Hear what?  
Colin: That you’re the Heir of Slytherin.  
Harry: I am…not even sure if I can protest that. Fucking protagonist biology.  
Ron: Harry, look *points out the deserted hallway where Mrs. Norris was attacked* Let’s investigate.  
Harry: I suppose I’m gonna have to sooner or later. Hey, are those scorch marks?  
Hermione: And look at this: spiders.  
Ron: S…spiders?  
Hermione: Yeah, hundreds of them, all trying to get through that hole in the window.  
Ron: ZOINKS! *jumps into Harry’s arms shivering*  
Harry: No *drops Ron* What’s wrong?  
Ron: I don’t like spiders, ever since Fred turned my teddy into one when I was three.  
Harry: I’m gonna need to ask him for that spell.  
Hermione: Hey, remember on the night of the attack? There was a lot of water here, coming from over there *points to a nearby door*  
Ron: Let’s check it out then *goes to open door*  
Hermione: Wait Ron, that’s *Ron gets electrocuted and thrown across the hallway* the girl’s bathroom.  
Ron: *wheezes* After you.

*in the bathroom*  
Myrtle: Why are they here? Oh, what do I care? It’s not like anyone cares about my privacy.  
Hermione: Myrtle, they’re here because we’re investigating an attack that happened outside your bathroom.  
Myrtle: Investigating? Like the teachers didn’t do when I died? But that’s okay, I’ve already accepted that I’m not important to anyone.  
Harry: But Myrtle…  
Myrtle: Well, I guess I’ll go commit suicide again *disappears down toilet*  
Harry: She’s way too depressed for this otherwise offensively funny fanfic.  
Hermione: But we still don’t know who’d attack non-purebloods.  
Harry: What about Malfoy?  
Ron: It must be him. But how do we prove it?  
Hermione: Well, I heard about a potion that will make the drinker look like someone else. Unfortunately, the book we’ll need to brew it is in the restricted section of the library, and we’ll need a teacher’s permission to access it.  
Ron: Who’d be enough of an idiot to let second years have access to such a book?  
Harry: I know just the idiot.


	10. The Broken Ball of Iron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and friends get the book to brew the Polyjuice Potion, then there's Quidditch, Dobby and a petrified kid. Seriously, do I really need to summarise the whole book? You all already know what happens, otherwise you wouldn't be here.

Lockhart: …and that, children, is how I subdued the werewolf and made it my wife. Great acting there Potter.  
Harry: Is anyone here good with the Obliviate charm?  
Lockhart: Not to brag, but…  
Harry: Never mind then.  
*bell rings*  
Lockhart: Okay children, your homework is to learn about one place I vacationed with my vampire concubine.  
Ron: *whispering* Hermione, remember what we need here.  
Hermione: I know Ron. But I’m still trying to figure out what Harry meant by knowing a perfect idiot *approaches Lockhart* Umm, excuse me Professor. I was wondering if…  
Lockhart: Oh, you want an autograph. Sure, just give me that permission slip you’re holding *takes it and signs it*  
Hermione: That’s not what I…oh, whatever.  
Harry: Come on, let’s get out of here.  
Lockhart: Oh Harry?  
Harry: God damn it, what?  
Lockhart: I hear Gryffindor’s playing Slytherin this Saturday. I used to play Quidditch when I was at Hogwarts, so if you need any pointers…  
Harry: To kick Malfoy’s ass? Nah, I think I’m good on that score.

*in the library*  
Pince: Moste Potente Potions? Really?  
Hermione: Yes.  
Pince: Signed by the Defence against the Dark Arts teacher?  
Hermione: Yes.  
Pince: For a second year student?  
Hermione: Yes.  
Pince: Maybe I should check with Professor Snape…  
Hermione: No, no need for that.  
Pince: Really? You don’t think I should check with the Potions teacher about whether you should be reading an advanced potions book with a note signed by the Defence against the Dark Arts teacher?  
Harry: Oh come on, it’s like you think we’re up to something.  
Pince: *sigh* Fine, whatever *snaps fingers, and the book comes to her* But I’ll just use a concealment charm on the pages you shouldn’t be…  
Ron: Noneedforthatseeyabye.

*later, in the Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom*  
Hermione: Let’s see what we’ve got here…instant death drafts…slow acting venoms…laxatives that make you beat magical toilets…  
Ron: Can you repeat that one?  
Hermione: Ah, here it is: the Polyjuice Potion.  
Harry: So, what do we need?  
Hermione: Lacewing flies, leeches, knotgrass, and fluxweed. That’s easy enough. But where are we gonna get bicorn horn and boomslang skin? Not to mention a bit of the person we need to turn into?  
Harry: Run that by me again.  
Hermione: The person we turn into’s DNA.  
Harry: …okay. Are we sure this is the only way? I mean, sooner or later he’s just gonna brag about it right?  
Ron: More importantly, you seem to be just accepting this as magic Hermione.  
Hermione: Don’t be silly Ron. There’s no such thing. Obviously the DNA is so the other ingredients know who to change you to, the knotgrass is symbolic for being tied to another, the fluxweed is for…  
Harry: Yeah, yeah, we get it. How long until it’s ready?  
Hermione: A month.  
Harry: Where the hell are we gonna brew this thing for a month without… *hears Moaning Myrtle crying while singing a My Chemical Romance song* …I know just the place.

*Saturday morning*  
Oliver: Okay guys, they may have seven of the fastest, highest quality, most versatile brooms of all time, but we have one thing they don’t…  
Fred: If you say heart, I’ll personally knock you out here and now.  
Oliver: Hea…err, teamwork.  
Fred: Son of a bitch.  
Oliver: We also have an eagle-eyed Seeker…  
Harry: Has anyone seen my glasses?  
George: …we’re right fucked, aren’t we?

*during the game*  
Harry: Okay, where’s the snitch *bludger whips past him* Whew, that was close. Now, if only *bludger flies past again* Jeez, I’m popular today *bludger flies straight at his face* Oh shit, that thing’s broken.  
George: Don’t worry Harry, I got it *hits bludger at a Slytherin player. Bludger stops dead just as it’s about to hit him, then heads at Harry again* Or not.  
Harry: This isn’t legal, surely. Can’t we postpone the match until this is investigated?  
Hooch: Are you mad child? We play in all conditions, regardless of danger to the players.  
Harry: Even though that bludger has clearly been jinxed, and is a danger to someone underage whose guardians probably don’t know he’s in such a position?  
Hooch: Yes.  
Harry: Fucking child protagonist rules.

Draco: Taking balls to the face Potter? Is it Tuesday already?  
Harry: Well Malfoy, I… *sees snitch right above Draco’s head* Say Malfoy, what’s that *points away from snitch, bludger comes past and smacks his arm* SON OF A…  
Draco: Potter, are you trying to distract me?  
Harry: Yeah, from this *holds up snitch for Malfoy*  
Draco: But…but…I had the faster broom.  
Harry: Hey Malfoy, wait ‘til your father hears about this.  
Draco: You dare mock me? You wait ‘til my father hears about…FUCK!

*on the ground*  
Lockhart: Hold still Harry, I’ll check your arm to see if it’s broken.  
Harry: It’s fine, really. Maybe just a few bruises.  
Lockhart: No, no, definitely broken. I can fix this.  
Harry: Look at my fingers. They’re moving. I’m fine.  
Lockhart: Brackium Emendo…there, nothing’s broken anymore.  
Harry: *lifting deflated arm* I’d say it’s very broken. More broken than before, in fact.

*in the Hospital Wing*  
Pomfrey: And you just LET him try and fix you?  
Harry: I didn’t let him. He cast it without my permission. But seriously, can you fix this?  
Pomfrey: Of course I can. We conveniently have a potion for this problem that probably shouldn’t exist.  
Harry: While you’re at it, could you regrow my finger? I lost it while degnoming a garden over the summer.

*during the night*  
Dobby: Bad Dobby, bad Dobby, BAD DOBBY…ah, good Dobby.  
Harry: *waking up* What the? Dobby? What were you…please tell me you were banging your head against the wall and NOT doing your Shinji impersonation.  
Dobby: Dobby is sad now.  
Harry: And you’ll be in pain too when I can use my other arm, because I’LL BE STRANGLING YOU!  
Dobby: Is Harry Potter still mad about Dobby closing the barrier at the train station?  
Harry: You did WHAT?!  
Dobby: …so it was the bludger?  
Harry: Strike two.  
Dobby: Dobby apologises, but he just wanted to stop Harry Potter from being killed by the monster of the Chamber of Secrets.  
Harry: Yeah, about that. What is it, and how do I kill it?  
Dobby: But Harry Potter mustn’t. The creature…  
Harry: Dobby. I’m the main character. I’ll kill the thing. How do I do it?  
Dobby: Dobby will give Harry Potter his pillowcase to stop him fighting the monster.  
Harry: No, don’t do that *hears footsteps* So it was your fault about the barrier right?  
Dobby: Yes.  
Harry: Good *grabs Dobby* Then confess to whoever this is *Dobby teleports away, leaving his pillowcase* God damn it *pretends to be asleep*

McGonagall: Leave him there Albus. I’ll go get Poppy.  
Dumbledore: *putting Colin on the bed* You’re right. Heroin would make this situation more bearable.  
McGonagall: ...*sigh* Whatever *gets Madam Pomfrey*  
Pomfrey: What happened here?  
McGonagall: The same thing that happened to Mrs. Norris. He’s petrified.  
Pomfrey: Well, at least he got a selfie with his attacker *camera bursts into flames* Or not.  
McGonagall: Okay, so now that a student has been attacked by the monster of the Chamber of Secrets, will you let me ask St. Mungo’s for…  
Dumbledore: Nope.  
McGonagall: I’m pretty sure the lawsuit brought against us for letting students get petrified will cost us more than the potion for healing them.  
Dumbledore: But Minerva, no magical family will sue us, because then who will educate their children? The nearest magical school is in France. We’re British, we would never send our children to France. And no non-magical family will sue us, because what kind of non-magical lawyer will believe their child went to a magical school not even on any maps and got attacked?  
McGonagall: …you son of a bitch.


	11. Don’t Talk About the Title of This Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What the first rule of Dueling Club?

Pomfrey: Alright, your bones are back. Off you go.  
Harry: Isn’t there some kind of follow-up exam you need to do?  
Pomfrey: Of course not. Seriously child, you’d think I haven’t grown bones back before.  
Harry: How many…  
Pomfrey: Don’t ask.

*later, in the girl’s bathroom*  
Harry: Hey guys, did you hear about…  
Hermione: Colin Creevy getting petrified? Yeah, we know.  
Harry: How did you…  
Ron: The better question is: how did you get in here without getting electrocuted?  
Harry: Because the author wanted you to get hurt for no apparent reason. Now, how are we going with the Polyjuice Potion?  
Hermione: Well, we’re missing half the ingredients, but I know where we can get them.  
Ron: That’s great. Where?  
Hermione: Snape’s private storeroom.  
Harry: I’m sorry, but when you said you knew where to get them, I thought you meant somewhere we could actually get them.  
Hermione: We just have to sneak in and steal them.  
Harry: Me and Ron can’t break any more rules without getting expelled.  
Hermione: First of all, it’s Ron and I. Second, I can do it.  
Ron: First of all, who fucking cares? Second of all, you? Really?  
Hermione: Yeah, why not?  
Harry: Name one time you’ve even lost points except from Snape?  
Hermione: Well, there was that troll last year. And then when we snuck Norbert out of the castle…  
Ron: Okay, fine. Do you have a plan?  
Hermione: Indeed I do.

*a few weeks later, in Potions class*  
Snape: Alright class, today we will…Longbottom, what the fuck are you wearing?  
Neville: Protection amulets against the monster.  
Snape: Do you really think an onion, a crystal painted purple, and a rotten newt’s tail will protect you from…you know what? You probably do, so I’m just going to take ten points off Gryffindor. So, today we’ll be making the Swelling Solution…  
Seamus: Oh boy.  
Snape: Do NOT, under any circumstance, use it on your dick.  
Seamus: Unless you really, really want to.  
Dean: You white people are goddamn stupid.  
Hermione: *whispering* You know what to do Harry?  
Harry: Well, first we put two scoops of dried nettles in the mortar, then three puffer-fish eyes…  
Hermione: I mean for the plan.  
Harry: Oh, right *pulling out a firecracker* This will end badly you know.  
Hermione: Just do it.  
Harry: *sigh* Fine *lights firecracker, then throws it in Goyle’s cauldron*  
Goyle: Duh? *potion explodes, spraying everywhere. The students start panicking*  
Snape: Everyone calm down. I know the counter spell. Come to me and I’ll undo the damage *Seamus comes up* Don’t tell me…  
Seamus: I swear, I was just airing myself out and it happened to go in there.  
Hermione: *shuffling back in with the stuff* Got it *crams it into her backpack*  
Ron: You don’t think Snape will get suspicious at your suddenly fuller backpack?  
Hermione: Let’s hope not.  
Snape: I am suspicious of your suddenly fuller backpack *Hermione gulps* but I’m more concerned with who threw this *holding up the remains of the firecracker. Harry gulps* and when I find out who it was, I will personally castrate them *Ron gulps*

*one week later*  
Hermione: Look on the bright side, the potion will be ready in a week.  
Harry: Yeah, but if Snape learns how to fingerprint someone, I’m…hey, what’s going on over there?  
Dean: Guys, the school’s starting a duelling club.  
Ron: Hey, we should sign up too.  
Harry: Why not? Maybe they’ll teach us a spell that can become infinitely useful to me in every situation ever. Just as long as it’s not run by…

*at the Duelling Club*  
Lockhart: Hello children. Welcome to Duelling Club.  
Harry: Well fuck me sideways.  
Ron: Okay.  
Harry: Figure of speech. Well, as long as his assistant isn’t…  
Lockhart: Assisting me tonight will be Professor Snape.  
Harry: You’ve got to be fucking with me.  
Ron: Okay.  
Harry: Figure of speech. Well, we can only hope they finish each other off.  
Lockhart: Let’s start with a demonstration. Severus, when you’re…  
Snape: EXPELLIARMUS! *Lockhart flies offstage and into a wall*  
Harry: This evening’s looking up a bit suddenly.  
Lockhart: *stumbling back onstage* Ah, very good Severus. Taking advantage of my unpreparedness. A clever move in any duel. However…  
Snape: EXPELLIARMUS! *Lockhart flies offstage and into a wall*  
Ron: Suddenly I’m starting to like Snape.  
Lockhart: *stumbling back onstage again* Very good demonstration. Maybe we should get the children to try?  
Snape: I feel one last demonstration is in order first.  
Lockhart: What do you…  
Snape: EXPELLIARMUS! *Lockhart flies offstage and into a wall* Now, pair up and practice the Disarming Charm.  
Ron: Harry, do you…  
Snape: Do you really think I’m going to let you two pair up?  
Harry: Well, you did say…  
Snape: Shut up. I’m pairing you with Malfoy.  
Harry: Actually, that’s not such a bad thing. I have no idea what Ron’s wand would do to me.  
Snape: …crap. Okay, well, Miss Granger, you can be paired with Miss Bulstrode.  
Hermione: …who?  
Snape: Millicent Bulstrode. Your classmate.  
Hermione: …who?  
Millicent: Oh bitch you didn’t just forget my name did you? I’mma kill you now.  
Hermione: Okay, that’s it *jumps at Millicent*  
Lockhart: Girls, you’re meant to be fighting with your wands.  
Seamus: No no, this is good *Snape breaks up the fight* Aww man.  
Snape: Maybe we should just have one pair demonstrate. Potter and Malfoy?

Draco: Scared Potter?  
Harry: You wish.  
Dean: And this is how ships get started.  
Lockhart: Now, when I say go…  
Draco: SERPENSORTIA! *a snake appears in front of Harry*  
Lockhart: Damn it, why doesn’t anyone listen to me?  
Harry: Pleassse don’t bite me What the fuck, did I just hiss? *snake turns towards Justin* No, not him either. Ssstart with the blond haired ssshit The fuck is going on?  
Snape: Vipera Evanesca *snake disappears*

Ron: *grabbing Harry* Well, look at the time. We’d better be going. Bye everyone *drags Harry out of the room, Hermione right behind them* When were you going to tell us you were a Parselmouth?  
Harry: I have no presents in my mouth, despite whatever you might call your di…  
Ron: No, a Parselmouth. As in you can talk to snakes.  
Harry: Come on, it can’t be that uncommon, right? *Ron stares at him blankly* I just confirmed to everyone I’m descended from Salazar Slytherin, didn’t I?  
Ron: Pretty much.  
Hermione: Don’t worry Harry, many people talk to their pets by mimicking the sounds they make. Maybe the hissing you made just meant something to that snake.  
Harry: In any case, I told the thing to go for Malfoy, so hopefully this will all blow over soon.  
Hermione: Actually, because no-one understood what you said, you might as well have told it to eat Justin there and then.  
Harry: …fuck.

*the next day*  
Harry: Guys, I’ve gotta tell Justin what happened, otherwise people will think I’m not as awesome as I actually am.  
Hermione: Well, seeing as Herbology was cancelled, you should be able to find him here in the library studying.  
Harry: What makes you think he’s that responsible? We had, like, one conversation with him.  
Ron: I heard he’s a muggle born.  
Harry: Don’t make this worse than it has to be *sees Hufflepuff students* Hey guys! Have you seen Justin around? I have some unfinished business with him.  
Hermione: *whispering to Ron* Now who’s making it worse?  
Hannah: We…err…told him to stay in the Hufflepuff Common Room.  
Harry: Why?  
Ernie: Because you’re a psychopath that’s going to kill him.  
Harry: You know what? Fine. I’ll go find him myself.

*later*  
Hagrid: *holding a dead rooster* ‘ello ‘arry,  
Harry: Hi Hagrid. Still having that rooster strangulation problem I see.  
Hagrid: Yeah, I don’t like ‘olding my limp cock.  
Harry: Don’t phrase it like that.  
Hagrid: What’s wrong with my limp cock?  
Harry: I gotta go. Bye.  
Hagrid: I’ll tell you more about my limp cock later.

Harry: *running down a random corridor* Where even is the Hufflepuff Common Room? *trips over something* Whoa, did it just get colder in here? *sees Justin’s petrified body* Well, at least this can’t get much worse *sees Nick’s petrified body* Oh come on. Well, I guess it can’t get worse.  
Peeves: *comes out of nowhere and sees what’s happened* HEY EVERYONE! LOOK WHAT POTTER DID!  
Harry: Damn it Peeves. Hopefully no-one heard that *sees the hallway is now full* You have got to be kidding me. Okay, maybe no teachers are here, and they’ll dismiss this as a wild rumour.  
McGonagall: Come with me Potter. We’re going to see Professor Dumbledore.  
Harry: Well fuck me with a running chainsaw.


	12. The Changing Formula

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Polyjuice Potion is ready, but is your body?

*McGonagall and Harry stop outside Dumbledore’s office*  
McGonagall: Sherbet lemon *a gargoyle jumps out of the way to reveal a staircase like an escalator* This way Potter.  
Harry: Surely you believe that I didn’t do this, right? I mean, you said it yourself. I’m a second year. What do I know of the dark arts?  
McGonagall: Do you really think that everyone believes you are innocent when you were literally sitting in the middle of ALL the evidence?  
Harry: …I’m fucked.

*inside Dumbledore’s office*  
McGonagall: Now, you wait here until Professor Dumbledore comes back.  
Harry: Really? You’re gonna leave a suspected attempted murderer alone in the office of the most important person in the school?  
McGonagall: Oh please. Albus has been so out of it these last few years I’ve essentially taken over *leaves*  
Harry: *looking at the bookshelves* Let’s see what we’ve got here *opens a book* What the? This is just the Yellow Pages *sees the Sorting Hat* Hmm…I wonder if it’s possible to be resorted *puts on hat*  
Sorting Hat: What the? Is it September 1st already? I haven’t even finished my…oh, it’s you Potter.  
Harry: Glad to see you too Hat. So, what House am I in?  
Sorting Hat: Gryffindor.  
Harry: You’re sure you didn’t make a mistake?  
Sorting Hat: I don’t make mistakes…well, maybe once, but that Peter kid seemed like a nice guy at the time.  
???: CAW! *Harry turns to see a hideous looking bird*  
Harry: Someone needs to put that ancient looking bird out of its misery *bird bursts into flames* Problem solved.  
Dumbledore: What smells like chicken?  
Harry: Your bird. Which I swear I didn’t kill, just like I didn’t kill Justin and Nick.  
Dumbledore: You did what to who?  
Harry: I thought McGonagall told you why I was here.  
Dumbledore: Oh, right. Where are we exactly?  
Harry: In your…what the hell’s happening to your bird?  
Dumbledore: Aren’t all birds born from their own ashes?  
Harry: …I’m gonna go now *walks outside Dumbledore’s office, sees Ron with a running chainsaw* Figure of speech.

*a few days later*  
Fred: Make way people. Heir of Slytherin coming through.  
George: Move it before you too get petrified.  
Hermione: Why do you let them do that?  
Harry: True, I don’t like them calling me the heir of Slytherin, but there are benefits.  
Ron: What, empty hallways?  
Harry: That, and…  
Draco: Why does that Potter get all the attention about being the Heir of Slytherin?  
Ginny: Hmm…does it infuriate you?  
Draco: Of course it does.  
Ginny: *looking Malfoy in the eye* Make way for the Heir of Slytherin.  
Harry: There it is.

*Christmas morning*  
Hermione: You two, wake up.  
Harry: Damn it Hermione, can’t a guy slee…wait, why are you in the boy’s dorm?  
Hermione: To tell you that the Polyjuice Potion is ready.  
Ron: When did you get Crabbe and Goyle’s DNA? Wait, you didn’t…  
Hermione: What? No. Nonononono. No. We still need to get that. But I have the perfect plan.  
Harry: What, knock them out with a crowbar and take their clothes?  
Hermione: Kind of.

*after the Christmas feast*  
Harry: Does Hermione really think they’re stupid enough to eat a couple of cakes sitting in the corridor just waiting for them?  
*Crabbe and Goyle walk out of the Great Hall and see cakes*  
Crabbe: Gah?  
Goyle: Duh *they nod to each other, then eat the cakes, collapsing immediately*  
Ron: Wow, the sleeping potion worked.  
Harry: It better have, we put enough in there to knock out a small elephant. Now, we’re gonna need their shoes.  
Ron: And their clothes?  
Harry: It’s bad enough when you try to get me naked. I am not making them naked, even if it means missing out on a coming out of the closet joke. Besides, Hermione already stole some *takes Goyle’s shoes and hides him in a closet*

*in the girl’s bathroom*  
Hermione: Okay guys, are you ready?  
Harry: I’m drinking something I know has hair in it. Worse still, it’s Goyle’s hair. What do you think?  
Hermione: Alright, let’s go *drinks hers. Ron and Harry follow suit* I’m…gonna throw up *runs into a stall*  
Ron: Same *runs to another stall*  
Harry: This…was a bad…idea *looks up, sees his face turn into Goyle’s* Definitely liked the old version better.  
Ron: *coming out of stall* Now you don’t give me a bo…  
Harry: Don’t even finish that sentence.  
Ron: But…  
Harry: No. Remember, we’re only supposed to have one word in our vocabulary.  
Ron: Oh, right. Hey Hermione, you ready?  
Hermione: I…think I’ll give this a miss.  
Ron: You okay?  
Harry: Ron, we only have an hour. If she’s not coming, she’s not coming. Let’s go.  
Hermione: Can you bring back some milk and tuna?

*in the dungeons*  
Ron: We probably should have found out where the Slytherin Common Room was first.  
Harry: Shh, I think I hear someone coming *sees Percy* Oh, it’s just you…I mean, duh?  
Percy: What are you two doing here?  
Ron: We’re just *Harry hits him* I mean, gah.  
Percy: You really shouldn’t be wandering the halls alone, with all that’s been going on.  
Harry: As if we’re even targe… *Ron hits him* duh.  
Percy: Hmm…there’s something off about you two.  
Draco: *coming up behind them* Don’t worry, they’re normally this stupid. Come on you two *takes them to the Slytherin Common Room* Pure-blood *Common Room opens up  
Ron: *muttering to himself* That password seems way too obvious in retrospect.  
Draco: What was that Crabbe?  
Ron: Gah.  
Draco: You’re right, we should be trying to find out who this Heir of Slytherin is. Potter seems like an obvious choice, I know, but since this is a children’s book series and he’s the main character, he’s probably not. I want to help them so I can pick the perfect mudblood to kill this time. It has to be someone evil, but who?  
Harry: *muttering* I’ve got a pretty good guess.  
Draco: Did you say something?  
Harry: Duh.  
Draco: As a matter of fact, we have had an update on the Weasley situation. Fined fifty galleons for bewitching that car which, by the way, still hasn’t been found...Crabbe, is your hair turning red?  
Ron: Uhh… *grabs Harry runs out of the Slytherin Common Room*

*back in the girl’s bathroom*  
Harry: Bad news Hermione. Draco’s innocent.  
Hermione: I think I have worse news.  
Ron: You’ve been here the whole time. What worse news could you possibly have? *opens bathroom stall* Well, I like the Blake Belladonna cosplay, but we really need to…  
Harry: Bulstrode has a cat, doesn’t she? *Hermione nodded* Uh oh.


	13. The Extremely Classified Journal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trio get a clue about the identity of the Heir, and a dwarf sings a Bloodhound Gang song.

Harry: It sure was nice and convenient of Pomfrey to not tell anyone with authority about our clearly botched Polyjuice Potion, especially when me and Ron were connected with it.  
Hermione: Yeah, but what the hell do I say to all the students that think I’m petrified? Not to mention the teachers, seeing as I’ve been gone for WEEKS?!  
Harry: Tell them you had Koneko Disease.  
Ron: What about Selina Kyle Syndrome?  
Harry: Felicia Fever?  
Hermione: Please stop *gets out of Hospital Wing bed* Now, do we have any more leads?  
Harry: Hermione, you know we exhausted our only lead already. Except for asking Myrtle if she saw someone, but after last time…  
Hermione: Well, let’s go.

*in the girl’s bathroom*  
Myrtle: Oh, you’re back to throw more things at me *heavy sigh* That’s okay, I’m used to it.  
Ron: What do you mean? We didn’t throw anything at you a first time.  
Myrtle: But you did. I saw your red hair leaving after I was hit with that book.  
Hermione: You’re a hologram. Books pass right through don’t they?  
Myrtle: Oh, I’ve been demoted from ghost? That’s okay, I’m aware I’m not scary enough to be a ghost.  
Harry: *picks up book* Hey Myrtle, is this it?  
Myrtle: Oh, so you want to hit me too? Go ahead, no-one cares anyway.  
Harry: I’ll take that as a yes *looks at it* Hey, it’s a diary *looks at the year* And it’s from 1943, the year the Chamber was last opened.  
Hermione: Does it say who it belonged to? Or say anything about the attacks?  
Harry: It belonged to someone named T. M. Riddle, and *opens to January 1st* Nothing *January 2nd* Nothing. *January 3rd* Nothing…  
Ron: We get it. It’s useless. Wait a sec…I know T. M. Riddle. He’s got a plaque for special services to the school in the trophy room in 1943. But that’s probably irrelevant.  
Hermione: Ron, don’t you think it’s a slight coincidence that we got a diary from the year of the previous attacks from a place right next to the scene of the first attack belonging to someone with an award for ‘special services?  
Ron: No. Should it be?  
Harry: Obviously this will be plot relevant, so I’d better hang onto it.

*a few weeks later*  
Hermione: What’s Harry doing?  
Ron: Oh, he’s just writing in his diary.  
Harry: HEY! Men don’t write diaries. We write journals.  
Hermione: Well, I’ve done some digging, and it seems T. M. Riddle was Prefect and Head Boy in the day…  
Harry: So?  
Hermione: …for Slytherin.  
Harry: Great. More incriminating evidence. That’s exactly what I need right now.

*Valentine’s Day*  
Harry: *entering Great Hall and sees everything is pink* Okay, whatever’s going on better not have anything to do with…  
Lockhart: HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY EVERYONE!!!  
Harry: Well fu…*sees Ron look up*…God damn it *Ron stops paying attention*  
Lockhart: Now, I know you all have been on edge about the whole ‘Monster of the Chamber’ business…  
Dean: Actually, no-one’s been attacked in about two months.  
Lockhart: …so I decided to throw a little celebration to cheer you up.  
McGonagall: Did you get permission to do this?  
Lockhart: Pfft, who needs permission? By the way *a bunch of dwarves march in dressed as Cupid* These guys will be delivering valentines all day. Could the school please cover the hiring cost for them? They were NOT cheap.  
McGonagall: *heavy sigh* I am surrounded by idiots, and Snape. Why the hell do I keep this job?

*that afternoon*  
Dwarf: ‘ey, you ‘arry Potter?  
Harry: Is there any way I can say no to that and be convincing about it?  
Dwarf: Nope.  
Harry: Okay then *runs away*  
Dwarf: Hey, get back here *grabs Harry’s bag, ripping it*  
Harry: Couldn’t you just give me the card and leave?  
Dwarf: It’s not a card. It’s a singing valentine.  
Draco: *just hearing this* Oh, this will be good.  
Harry: Uh, can we do this later? Like, any time that isn’t now?  
Dwarf: Nope *clears throat* Dear Harry, This is the only way I could think of to show how I feel. Love, Ron *singing* Sweat baby sweat baby sex is a Texas drought / Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about…  
Harry: *picking up his things* For the love of God, stop.  
Draco: *picking up diary* What’s this? Is Potter keeping a diary?  
Harry: Men write journals, not diaries.  
Draco: Let’s see what you’ve written in *sees who diary belonged to. Suddenly smiles wickedly* You know what? You can wait ‘til my father hears about this *hands back diary and leaves*  
Harry: Okay, this time I’m kind of concerned that he’s doing that.

*that night*  
Harry: How am I supposed to get this thing to do something? Surely there’s a way to… *accidentally spills ink on paper. Ink disappears almost immediately*  
Diary: *in writing* ’cough cough’  
Harry: …okay *gets more ink and starts writing* ‘Is someone in there?’  
Diary: ‘Oh God, my grace, have you returned to make me pay for my insolence?’  
Harry: ‘What? No. My name is Harry. Harry Potter.’  
Diary: ‘Oh, sorry. My last owner was kind of a maniac. I’m Tom. Tom Riddle. How did you get the diary? Did my previous owner give it to you?’  
Harry: ‘No, they threw it at Moaning Myrtle and fled the scene. How is it that you’re talking to me?’  
Diary: ‘Oh, I charmed this diary so I could tell future generations about the horrors of the Chamber of Secrets’.  
Harry: ‘Really? Any chance you could tell me about them?’  
Diary: ‘Better. I can show you’.  
Harry: ‘How can you…’ *gets pulled into diary* AHHH!

*lands in Dumbledore’s office, but someone else is sitting at the desk*  
Harry: Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to DROP in on you like this *guy at desk ignores him* Screw you too buddy.  
Tom: *entering office* Professor Dippet, have you considered what I asked you?  
Dippet: For the last time Riddle, you can’t stay at Hogwarts. No-one can. After the death of that girl, and with that monster running around, the only one safe here is the Heir of Slytherin, which obviously you aren’t because you’re a half-blood. No, the only way we could keep the school open is if the Heir is captured and the monster destroyed. In the meantime, you should start packing to go home to the Muggle orphanage that you despise.  
Tom: *eye twitch* Yeah, you’re right. How silly of me. Say, hypothetically, someone was to catch the culprit…  
Dippet: They would be immortalised as a hero regardless of what they may do in the future, and get a sweet plaque to prove it.  
Tom: Hmm…okay. I should go and…uh…pack my things *leaves. Harry follows*

*in the dungeons*  
Harry: Where are you even going? This is just the Potions classroom *hears what sounds like someone hitting their head on a low passage*  
???; Bloody ‘ell.  
Harry: That voice…it can’t be… *follows Tom into a secret passage*  
???: Come on, get in the box. They’re closin’ the school, there’ll be nothing for ya ‘ere.  
Tom: Good evening Rubeus. What would a Gryffindor like you be doing in a place like this?  
Hagrid: I was…err…on my way back to the tower?  
Tom: And where were you before this? *Hagrid gulps* That’s what I thought. I was just with Professor Dippet. He said if the monster was taken care of, the school would stay open, so I’m here to…  
Hagrid: Which one? *Tom looks confused* I mean, I have a bunch creatures all over the school. Manticore babies, unicorn foals, a Man-Bear-Pig…  
Tom: ENOUGH! I’ll start with this one *Tom raises his wand, just as a large creature with long hairy legs runs past*  
Hagrid: Aragog, come back. You’re entitled to a trial where you’re innocent until proven guilty.  
Tom: Not when I’m through with it.

*back in the future*  
Ron: Hey Harry, where’d you go?  
Harry: The diary sent me to the past.  
Ron: Really? Anything interesting?  
Harry: Well, it tried to tell me that Hagrid opened the Chamber, but…  
Ron: You solved the mystery? Awesome. *turns to leave* Hermione… *leaves*  
Harry: Wait a sec…oh, whatever.


	14. The Minister of Magic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things start looking up at Hogwarts, then they RWBY Volume 3 us.

Ron: We have to talk to Hagrid about this.  
Harry: Ron, let’s think about this. Hagrid? The Heir of Slytherin?  
Ron: What’s wrong with that? He doesn’t talk about why he got expelled, he likes dangerous creatures, Riddle showed you that he was harbouring said creatures, you ran into him in Knockturn Alley last year…  
Harry: What part of ‘Hagrid’ didn’t you understand?  
Hermione: Harry’s right. All we have right now is circumstantial evidence.  
Ron: Yeah, circumstantial evidence that points to the culprit.  
Harry: Ron…  
Ron: Nope, my mind is made up. Hagrid’s guilty. Now, what are you picking as your third year subjects?  
Harry: Why?  
Ron: So I can pick exactly the same things. Is Muggle Studies one of them?  
Harry: Ron, I live with Muggles. I don’t need to study them. What are you taking Hermione?  
Hermione: Everything.  
Harry: Hermione, you can’t do that.  
Hermione: Watch me.

*a few weeks later*  
Harry: Well, there hasn’t been any attacks lately, and the Gryffindor Quidditch team has been training hard lately. I think we might just beat Hufflepuff tomorrow *enters dormitory to see his stuff strewn across the room* God damn it, has Ron been stealing my underwear again?  
Ron: *entering* Hey guys *sees Harry’s stuff everywhere* What the hell happened here?  
Harry: Wait, if you didn’t do this…  
Dean: Is anything missing?  
Seamus: I think Harry’s diary’s missing.  
Harry: It’s a journal. And that’s not good.  
Neville: Has it got all your personal secrets in it?  
Harry: NO! I am NOT getting mocked by the guy who forgets his pants, and still manages to wet them.  
Neville: That’s only happened twice.  
Dean: Who could have done this though? I mean, the only people who have access to this room are in Gryffindor, and I can’t think of any who are monstrous enough to do this.  
Harry: I can think of one…

*the next day*  
Hermione: Any idea who stole your diary Harry?  
Harry: It’s a journal, and I’m pretty sure it was Ginny. She’s the only Gryffindor I can think of that would want an artefact associated with evil.  
???: Kill…thisss time I kill…  
Harry: Speaking of which, the voice is back.  
Hermione: Harry, all I hear is hissing *face suddenly lights up* Wait a minute…TO THE LIBRARY! *runs off*  
Ron: What is she…  
Harry: I don’t know, but I’m sure she’ll be fine.

*on the Quidditch pitch*  
Oliver: Okay guys, it’s a clear day, we’ve been training hard, and we’re only against Hufflepuff. There is nothing that could possibly ruin…  
McGonagall: *running onto the pitch* The game is cancelled.  
Oliver: Excuse me?  
McGonagall: The game has been cancelled. Potter, you better come with me.  
Harry: If there’s been another attack, you can’t pin it on me. I have six witnesses right here to verify that…  
McGonagall: Shut up and come with me. Weasley too.  
Fred and George: Which one?  
McGonagall: Your brother.  
Ron and Percy: Which one?  
McGonagall: Fuck my life.

*in the Hospital Wing*  
Harry: So who was it this time? *sees Hermione’s been petrified* OH YEAH!  
McGonagall: Potter?  
Harry: If she’s been attacked, no-one will believe I’m the culprit anymore.  
McGonagall: There’s also her *points out a Ravenclaw student*  
Ron: Who dat?  
McGonagall: Penelope Clearwater. I honestly thought you would know that Ronald.  
Ron: …why?  
McGonagall: Oh…no reason. Anyway, this was found with them *shows them a mirror* Any idea what this is?  
Harry: A mirror.  
McGonagall: Yeah, but why did they have it?  
Harry: Well, it’s not Hermione’s, so I just assume that, like most fifteen year old girls, Penelope liked to use it to do her make-up.  
McGonagall: She’s sixteen.  
Harry: But the book says…  
McGonagall: Yes, because we really stick with what the books say in this thing. Now, do either of you have any idea who could have done this?  
Ron: Probably the person who did it last time.  
McGonagall: They’re no longer a student here.  
Harry: And probably incapable of doing it anyway *glares at Ron*

*that night*  
Ron: We need to talk to Hagrid about this.  
Harry: Good idea. We can clear his name, since HE ISN’T THE HEIR!  
Ron: Or we can get him to confess. Seriously, Percy’s really cut up about that Penelope girl getting petrified. He’s curled up in a ball in the Common Room and keeps rocking backwards and forwards moaning “Penny, my dear sweet Penny.”  
Harry: Ron, combining that with what McGonagall said this afternoon, what do you think he means by that?  
Ron: Well, since she was also a Prefect, I’m guessing they were very good friends.  
Harry: “Very good” indeed. Come on, let’s go see Hagrid.

*at Hagrid’s house*  
Harry: *knocking on the door* Hagrid, open up.  
Hagrid: A’right, hold on *opens door slightly, immediately fires crossbow* Oh, it’s only you ‘arry.  
Harry: And Ron, who may need medical attention.  
Ron: *holding the bolt in his shoulder* This only strengthens my belief that you’re the Heir.  
Hagrid: Oh, not this shit again. Come in, I’ll explain some things.  
Harry: Like how you’re not the Heir?  
Hagrid: Exactly, and… *knock at the door* You boys may wanna hide *pushes them into a corner and puts Invisibility Cloak over them*  
Harry: You know, we still haven’t seen why this chapter has that title *sees Dumbledore enter with another man* That’s the Minister, isn’t it?  
Ron: Yep.  
Fudge: Albus, Rubeus, I assume you know the reason for my visit.  
Dumbledore: Who are you again?  
Fudge: It’s me, Cornelius Fudge. The Minister of Magic.  
Dumbledore: No, I meant the big guy.  
Fudge: …anywho, after all these attacks…  
Dumbledore: WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THOSE?!  
Lucius: *entering* That would be me. Cornelius, have you arrested them yet?  
Hagrid: Arrested? I ‘aven’t done a damn thing yeh can prove.  
Fudge: Yeah, but you see, the government needs to be seen doing something, even if it does nothing.  
Harry: A true politician, that one.  
Hagrid: Look, I don’ think yeh realise what a bad idea sendin’ me ta Azkaban is.  
Dumbledore: Just go with the nice man, kiddo. It sounds like he’s got lots of candy for you.  
Lucius: I don’t think…  
Hagrid: Alright, alright, I’m going. But if anyone needs any information about the REAL criminal, just follow the spiders.  
Ron: *gulp* *the adults leave* By the way, my shoulder’s killing me. Thanks for asking.


	15. Shelob

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Ron venture into the forest for one of the biggest NOPEs of the entire series.

Harry: What do you mean we can’t visit Hermione?  
Pomfrey: We can’t risk the attacker coming in here and finishing the job.  
Harry: Okay, first of all, I’m already proven to be innocent. Second, you’d be in here anyway to stop the attacker if they try anything, and third, why wouldn’t the attacker have finished the job when his victims were petrified and no-one was around?  
Pomfrey: …NO VISITORS! *chases them away with a broom*

*in Herbology later*  
Ernie: So, the Hufflepuffs were talking, and we’ve decided that you would never attack Hermione, so you can’t be the Heir, so on behalf of Hufflepuff, we apologise.  
Harry: Who are you again?  
Ernie: I’m Ernie? Remember? Ernie Macmillan? *Harry stares blankly at him* Justin’s friend?  
Harry: Who dat?  
Ernie: Forget this *leaves*  
Harry: *turning to Ron* Maybe we should take Hagrid’s advice and follow the spiders?  
Ron: But there are no spiders around.  
Harry: What about them? *points out a bunch of spiders running towards the forest*  
Ron: Optical illusion.  
Harry: *picks one of them up and holds it in his hand* I can definitely feel something on my hand.  
Ron: Optical illusion of extreme proportion.  
Harry: Riiiiight *throws spider at Ron, who immediately freaks out* Tonight, we head into the forest, just as long as EoD doesn’t sue us first.  
Hannah: I wonder if they know we can see and hear them.

*later, in Defence against the Dark Arts*  
Lockhart: Why is everyone so glum? The Heir of Slytherin has been arrested.  
Harry: Do you honestly believe Hagrid was the Heir?  
Lockhart: Of course I do.  
Ron: *whispering* You were right, Hagrid’s not the Heir.  
Lockhart: And why would a politician do something unless they were completely sure it would benefit the people in some way?  
Dean: Oh, gee, I wonder?

*that night, at about midnight*  
Fred: Come on guys, one more round of wizard chess?  
Harry: Why are you still awake?  
George: Don’t you know we sneak out after everyone’s asleep so we can cause trouble?  
Ron: We know, but why don’t you go now?  
Fred: You’re still awake.  
Harry: Alright, fine. Ron, let’s go to bed.  
Ron: Oh boy.  
Harry: *nudges him and whispers* Not yet. First we follow the spiders.  
George: Well, if you’re going to bed, we’ll be going too *clearly head towards portrait hole, Fred unfolding a map*  
Ron: I wonder what that is.  
Harry: Don’t know, don’t care. We’ll probably never find out anyway.  
Ginny: I’m here too, you know.  
Ron: Oh, right. Go to bed.  
Ginny: Why?  
Harry: Hi Ginny.  
Ginny: Why are you… *suddenly remembers her plans* SQUEE! *runs up to her dorm* Phew, that was close. They almost suspected something.  
Harry: Do you ever expect your sister is only pretending to have a crush on me to cover some kind of sinister motive?  
Ron: Of course not. Let’s go.

*at Hagrid’s hut*  
Harry: Why are we stopping here?  
Ron: Because if we have to deal with spiders because of Hagrid, we’re using Fang as a meat shield.  
Harry: Well, at least my meat shield has a meat shield.  
Ron: Wait, what?  
Harry: Nothing *opens door* Here Fang. We’re going for a walk.

*in the forest*  
Harry: Lumos *wand lights up, sees two spiders running away* This way.  
Ron: Why did you leave the Invisibility cloak at Hagrid’s?  
Harry: Oh, as if we’ll need it here.  
Ron: Knowing Hagrid, he’s probably got some kind of mega-spider out here.  
Harry: Shut up and help me track these spiders.  
Ron: Fine *pulls out wand* Lumos *explodes*  
Harry: Not helpful *hears something coming towards them* Great, now you’ve attracted something. And probably not the something we’re looking for *the something stops, revealing itself to be the Weasley’s car* Oh, it’s just your car. I’m kinda amazed it still has petrol in it *sees Ron looks pale* Hey, come on, it’s just your car.  
Ron: S-s-s-spi…  
Harry: Yeah, I know. We’re meant to be following the spiders, let’s… *suddenly gets wrapped in spider webs from above, as do Ron and Fang*  
Ron: You know what I was saying about mega-spiders?  
Harry: Shut up.

*in the middle of the forest*  
Spider 1: Master, we have brought invaders.  
Harry: In fairness, we were nowhere near here when you captured us.  
Spider 2: Shut up. We saw you stalking our young.  
Aragog: Stalking our young? That’s a class 1 eatable offense.  
Ron: God damn it Hagrid.  
Aragog: You know Hagrid?  
Harry: Uh…yes. Yes. We’re here because of him.  
Aragog: Why would he send food instead of coming himself?  
Harry: Well, he’s kinda sorta been arrested because people think he opened the Chamber of Secrets again.  
Aragog: That was fifty years ago. Hasn’t he suffered enough yet?  
Harry: It’s been opened again.  
Aragog:c And they think I’m the monster again and want to stop me from killing another girl, don’t they?  
Ron: Well, you are a giant spider…  
Aragog: Oh, and just because I’m a giant spider that automatically makes me an evil monster?  
Ron: Well, uh…  
Aragog: Maybe we should assume that because you’re a ginger, you have no soul. Or because you’re a white male, you rape and conquer every new land you go to.  
Harry: We get it. You’re not evil. But do you know what it is?  
Aragog: We do not speak its name.  
Harry: Come on, just the species would be fine. Something so we know what we’re up against.  
Aragog: Why am I still talking to my food?  
Ron: But we’re Hagrid’s friends.  
Aragog: So?  
Ron: Wouldn’t killing us kinda ruin the friendship?  
Aragog: Shut up. You’re mine, unless some kind of deus ex machina shows up to save you.  
Car: HONK HONK! *lands on top of Aragog*  
Harry: Ooh, that ain’t pretty *gets into car* We do NOT tell Hagrid about this.  
Ron: Agreed.

*later*  
Ron: So what did we find out from that? We already knew Hagrid was innocent.  
Harry: Yeah, this was completely poin…wait a minute.  
Ron: What?  
Harry: The monster killed a girl last time right?  
Ron: Yeah?  
Harry: Well, who do we know who’s a girl and died here that might know something?  
Ron: God damn it, not more Myrtle.  
Myrtle: Oh, you’re upset that there’ll be more of me? I suppose you’re right, nobody cares about me anyway.


	16. The Dungeon of Mystery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Ginny is "taken" into the Chamber, Harry and Ron have to rescue her. And they bring Lockhart, because why the hell not?

McGonagall: …and that’s how you turn a child into a dog. Now, next week your exams start…  
Children: EXAMS?!  
McGonagall: Well, it’s not like you’re petrified and incapable of studying. Did you really think we’d stop teaching because of a few deadly attacks?  
Harry: Actually, most schools would close down when there’s a frequent act or threat of terrorism.  
McGonagall: Oh please Potter. If that was the case there’d be no schools open in America.

*four days later*  
McGonagall: Good news everyone.  
Harry: Professor Farnsworth good news, or actual good news?  
McGonagall: The mandrakes are almost ready.  
Ron: Excellent. We don’t have to worry about finding Moaning Myrtle. One of them must have seen who or what it was.  
Harry: Oh please, I’m pretty sure I know who it was *looks at Ginny*  
Ginny: *oh Satan he’s looking at me. What should I do. Um…uh…stammer something. Make him think you’re incapable of such heinous acts* Ye-yes, I do kn-know who you’re ta-ta-talking about *YOU FOOL! They’re gonna ask you now*  
Percy: Hey Ginny, are you done? Can I have this seat?  
Ginny: Yes, other spawn of my birthgiver. I have to do…girl things *runs away*  
Ron: I wonder who she was talking about?  
Percy: Well, it definitely wasn’t about me and…never mind.  
Harry: You’re both idiots.

*later that morning*  
Lockhart: I can’t believe what my career has sunk to. Escorting children to class. There’s probably no danger anymore. I mean, come on. I’m me. I could handle any threat that comes my way. The monster is probably cowering in fear of me.  
Harry: *through gritted teeth* That’s right sir. In fact, you can leave us here. We should be able to get to class just fine. The monster can probably sense your awesomeness and wouldn’t dare come near here.  
Ron: Harry, what are you saying? You hate Lockhar… *gets kicked by Harry*  
Lockhart: You know what? You’re right Potter. I’m far too important to be doing this. I’m going to go prepare for my next class. My hair doesn’t stay this perfect by itself, you know *leaves students in a hallway*  
Dean: Pretty sure he shouldn’t have done that.  
Seamus: Who cares? We’re free…we should get to class and avoid getting killed by the monster *leaves with the rest of the class*  
Harry: I’m gonna need to wash my mouth out for that, but at least we can talk to Myrtle now.  
McGonagall: What. The Fuck. Are You Two. Doing?  
Ron: We were…uh…  
Harry: Going to see Hermione? *McGonagall glares at them* You don’t believe us do you?  
McGonagall: *sigh* I don’t, but you know what? The school is pretty much fucked, so whatever you two do at this point will either save the school, or you’ll die try, so whatever it is, just do it. I know that even if I tell you not to, you’ll probably end up doing it anyway, so just go *leaves*  
Ron: Are we really that screwed?  
Harry: I guess so. We might as well go see Hermione anyway, say our final goodbyes before we die.

*in the Hospital Wing*  
Harry: Should you really be eating in here?  
Ron: *still eating* What’s the worst that could happen? *drops his fork, which embeds itself in Hermione’s leg* Oops.  
Harry: Hey Ron, what’s this? *points out piece of paper in Hermione’s hand* “Of the many fearsome beasts and monsters that roam our land, there is none more curious or more deadly than the Basilisk, known also as the King of Serpents. This snake, which may reach gigantic size, and live many hundreds of years, is born from a chicken's egg, hatched beneath a toad. Its methods of killing are most wondrous, for aside from its deadly and venomous fangs, the Basilisk has a murderous stare, and all who are fixed with the beam of its eye shall suffer instant death. Spiders flee before the Basilisk, for it is their mortal enemy, and the Basilisk flees only from the crowing of the rooster, which is fatal to it.” And here, someone’s written “pipes”.  
Ron: So, nothing important?  
Harry: Ron, literally every question about what’s been going on has just been answered. The creature’s a basilisk, the roosters were killed to keep it alive, and it gets around in the pipes. And by an amazing coincidence, no-one saw the thing directly except for the only one who couldn’t die.  
Ron: So now we’re going to go after it because we’re the heroes?  
Harry: HAHA! No, fuck that. We’re leaving this to the teachers. I’ve already saved this school once, and besides, this is their job, not mine.

*outside the staff room*  
Harry: Where is everybody? There better not have been another attack.  
McGonagall: *announcement* All students, get back to your dorms, and all teachers to the staff room.  
Harry: No…  
Ron: Here Harry, let’s hide in here *drags Harry into a closet*  
Harry: Ron, we have vital information relating to the survival of the school. Why do we need to hide? Wait…put that away.  
Ron: *rezipping his pants* How did you know?  
Harry: Shh…they’re here.

McGonagall: Well, if we weren’t fucked before, we are now.  
Snape: Who died?  
McGonagall: Officially, no-one. Unofficially, Ginevra Weasley.  
Flitwick: What do you mean?  
McGonagall: She’s been taken into the Chamber. A new message was written beneath the old one: “Her Skeleton Will Lie in the Chamber Forever”.  
Harry: *muttering* Bullshit. She’s probably just preparing the monster for some kind of ultra-attack.  
Lockhart: *entering* Sorry I’m late. What did I miss?  
McGonagall: *suddenly smiling* Say Gilderoy, you’re a pretty powerful wizard, right?  
Lockhart: Well, I don’t mean to brag, but yeah, I’m pretty awesome.  
McGonagall: Great, you can rescue Miss Weasley from the monster in the Chamber of Secrets.  
Sprout: Great plan.  
Snape: I like it.  
Flitwick: We’ll make sure no-one gets in your way.  
Lockhart: Wait a minute…  
McGonagall: Well, if that’s settled, we’d best be off *leaves with the other teachers*  
Lockhart: Oh, this isn’t good *leaves with the others*  
Harry: *coming out of the closet…not like THAT you idiot* Huh, I wonder what he means by that?

*at Lockhart’s office*  
Harry: *knocking on door* Professor, we have information for you.  
Lockhart: *opening the door* Is it the train times? Because I really need those right now.  
Ron: Why would you need those? You’re going into the Chamber to save my sister right?  
Harry: Judging by the closed suitcases and empty office, I’m guessing he’s buggering off, probably because HE’S A FUCKING FRAUD!  
Lockhart: Well duh. I just keep E. L. James tied up in my basement, and whenever she comes up with a new idea, I write it down and erase her…OH SHIT I FORGOT TO FEED HER!  
Harry: Yeah, I thought so. Well Ron, let’s go tell McGonagall.  
Lockhart: Not so fast *pulls out wand* You two know my secret now, so I have to erase your memories too.  
Harry: Expelliarmus *Lockhart flies across the room. Ron catches his wand* Hey Ron, now you have a working wand.  
Ron: You’re right *throws it out the window*  
Harry: WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! We’re about to fight a Basilisk, and you get rid of the only other working wand in this room.  
Ron: But it was Lockhart’s.  
Harry: *long sigh* Fuck it. We were gonna use him as a meat shield anyway. Let’s go.

*in the girl’s bathroom*  
Myrtle: Why is a teacher bringing two students into a bathroom? Especially when it’s not Professor McFondles?  
Harry: Myrtle, we need to know how you died.  
Myrtle: …are…are you showing interest in me?  
Harry: Sure, why not? Just tell us.  
Myrtle: *shy giggle* Well, I was cry…err, sitting in a stall, when I heard a foreign boy come in and start talking. I decided to tell him to get out, and…I died. All I saw were a pair of yellow eyes over there *points towards the sink*  
Harry: Hmm… *examines sink, finds a snake engraved on a pipe* Really? In all their thorough searching for the Chamber, no-one found this and thought it MIGHT be suspicious? More impressively, this sink hasn’t been replaced since at least the last Heir was here? And no-one thought to investigate the place where someone DIED? Come to think of it, was there much in the way of indoor plumbing in the time of Salazar Slytherin?  
Ron: Kieran’s been watching too much Cinema Sins, hasn’t he?  
Harry: Let me guess, hissing _open_ opens it *Chamber opens* Of fucking course.  
Lockhart: Well, now that you’ve found the Chamber, I guess I’ll be…  
Ron: Off you go *pushes Lockhart down the entryway, then follows him*  
Harry: Well, here I go.  
Myrtle: Wait, before you… *Harry jumps down hole* I didn’t even get to kiss him goodbye.

Harry: *slides down into the Chamber. Halfway down, there’s a blinding flash. Gets to the bottom, sees a stand that says ‘Get Your Photo from the Ride: 5 Sickles* Five sickles? What a rip off. It’s not even a good picture of me.  
Ron: Harry, we’ve got a situation.  
Harry: Well, we are in the Chamber of… *sees Lockhart pointing a wand at them* Oh.  
Lockhart: Now, I’m going to erase your memories, and when I get back up, I’ll tell everyone you lost your minds at the sight of Jenny’s…  
Ron: Ginny.  
Lockhart: …mangled body, and I’ve sealed the Chamber forever.  
Harry: Wait, where’d you get that wand?  
Lockhart: Stole it from your friend.  
Harry: *lightbulb appears above his hand* Oh no Ron, we cannot defeat such a powerful wizard. There’s nothing we can do.  
Ron: What do you mean? He’s got my faulty wa… *Harry steps on his foot*  
Lockhart: Obliviate *wand backfires, sending him flying into a wall. Rocks fall from the roof and trap Harry on the other side*  
Harry: Really? An 80 kg man did that?  
Ron: Harry? Should I clear some of the rocks out of the way?  
Harry: No, I was planning on living down here with the dangerous snake *hears nothing from the other side* THAT WAS SARCASM YOU IDIOT!

*later*  
Harry: *sees snake door* Oh gee, I wonder how I _open_ this *door opens* That was sarcasm as…you now what? Whatever *enters*


	17. The Descendant of Salazar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the penultimate chapter, we have the dramatic climax that we all already know the outcome of. Seriously, why do I bother writing these fucking summaries?

Harry: *creeping forward* Ginny? Oh, Ginny? *sees man-bear-pig skeleton* Wait, Hagrid HAS been here? *trips over Ginny’s body* Ah, perfect. Wait, is she dead? *finds a pulse* Nope. Not sure if that’s good or bad though.  
???: Ah, Harry, I’ve been expecting you..  
Harry: *turning around and seeing Tom* How’d you know I’d be here?  
Tom: Do you think I set up that photo booth at the entry for fun? No, it’s a security system so I know who…wait, you’re not even going to question why I’m here?  
Harry: Frankly, I’m thankful I’m this deep in the Chamber and haven’t seen the basilisk yet. Now, about helping…is that your diary?  
Tom: Yes, for you see Harry, I am…crap, can I borrow your wand for a minute?  
Harry: Yeah, sure *hands him his wand*  
Tom: *creates the words Tom Marvolo Riddle in the air* For you see Harry, I am *rearranges words*  
Harry: Armored Doll Vomit?  
Tom: What? *sees what’s written* Oh, sorry. Let me try that again *rearranges words*  
Harry: Dammit Drool Lover? *Tom furiously rearranges words again* Immortal Dove Lord?  
Tom: Alright, fuck this. I’m Voldemort, okay?  
Harry: Got it, Mild Doormat Lover *Tom glares at him* So, how can you be Voldemort? I’m sure he was older than sixteen when he became wizard Hitler.  
Tom: The diary holds a part of my soul, and it will take the adults about four books to figure out how that works.  
Harry: Sounds about right. And Ginny…  
Tom: Yes, she opened the Chamber and has been caring for the basilisk.  
Harry: That explains the roosters.  
Tom: …what?  
Harry: You know? Their crowing is fatal to the basilisk.  
Tom: What? That’s not why she did it. She’s just a fucking psycho. Seriously, help me. She’s actually absorbing me right now.  
Harry: Then why’s she unconscious?  
Tom: Have you ever crammed a piece of the most powerful wizard into an eleven year old girl?  
Harry: Which piece are we talking about exactly? *Tom glares at him* Okay, so why did Ginny get rid of you if she was trying to absorb you?  
Tom: Do you know what she wrote in me? I was horrified. And when I said that to her, she called me a pussy and dumped me in the girl’s bathroom. Can you imagine my horror when, after talking with you, I find out she found me again? Though I was kind of impressed when she managed to frame the obviously innocent Hagrid for acts he couldn’t possibly have done. But now I get to do something my future self never could: KILL YO…  
???: CAW! *Fawkes flies in carrying something*

Harry: HA! Now you’ve done it. Dumbledore has sent his bird with a secret weapon to defeat *picks up bundle Fawkes was carrying and realises it’s the Sorting Hat* Of fucking course he’d send this instead of something useful.  
Sorting Hat: You think you have it bad? I have to take a dump for the first time in a millennium, and that bloody bird snatches me off the shitter. And it’s a big one too.  
Harry: I…have several questions. Several of them are how.  
Tom: Enough of this bullshit. _Basilisk, KILL HIM!_  
Basilisk: *emerging from a statue of Salazar Slytherin’s mouth* _As you wish._  
Harry: *closing his eyes* Please tell me one of you can do something to help me.  
Sorting Hat: I’m immobile and giving birth to a chocolate mud baby, and that bird is stupid enough to be imprisoned by Dumbledore.  
Harry: Good point. Nice knowing you *runs towards exit, trips over man-bear-pig skeleton* Son of a bitch *senses basilisk is nearby* With my last breath I curse Hagrid *suddenly hears basilisk thrashing around in pain* What is going on up there? *looks up, sees Fawkes covered in blood, and the basilisk is missing its eyes* Hooray, I get to survive another three seconds *basilisk swings its tail, knocking the Sorting Hat into Harry*  
Sorting Hat: Oh God, I think my poop has a hilt.  
Harry: A hilt? *looks inside Sorting Hat and sees a sword. Harry pulls it out* Well, that’s a thing.

Tom: _Damn it snake, KILL THE BOY!_  
Basilisk: _Oh, sorry master. I didn’t realise being blinded by a bird wasn’t enough of an excuse to not find him._  
Tom: _Don’t sass me. You have a nose, don’t you?_  
Basilisk: *muttering* _Unlike you._  
Tom: _What was that?_  
Basilisk: _Nothing_ *slithers towards Harry and lunges*  
Harry: Uh oh *holds sword in front of him. Basilisk impales itself on the sword. Harry looks up and sees this* HA! Take that you son of a… *sees basilisk fang in his arm* Oh COME ON! *falls over*  
Tom: Not how I wanted you to die, but it’ll do.  
Harry: Really Tom? I can’t die now. There are still five books, eight movies, and a play for me to be in.  
Ginny: *waking up, sees Harry being poisoned* [thoughts: oh no, if he dies, who will allow me to bear my spawn?] *sees Fawkes* Here birdy *Fawkes comes down to her* I need your tears to heal him *Fawkes does nothing* Do it, bird *Fawkes still does nothing* Okay, guess we’ll do this the hard way *grabs Fawkes’s…erm, “eggs”. Fawkes starts crying* Good birdy *pours tears onto Harry’s wound*  
Harry: *gets back up* Guess who’s back.  
Tom: Oh, I’m going to fucking murder all of you.  
Ginny: *holding diary* Is this your source of power?  
Tom: Yeah *sees Ginny holding a basilisk fang* Uh oh *Ginny stabs the diary* NOOO! I would have got away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids and your magic bird *disappears*  
Harry: Well, that’s over. One last thing though.  
Ginny: What?  
Harry: I think the phoenix tears work better when you take the basilisk fang out first *collapses*

*later*  
Ron: HARRY! GINNY! You’re alive.  
Harry: No thanks to you. Seriously, you made a big-ass hole here and don’t even try to come and help? *points out big-ass hole*  
Ron: Speaking of big assholes, Lockhart’s got amnesia now.  
Harry: How bad?  
Lockhart: Guys, I just discovered something. I HAVE FINGERNAILS!  
Harry: Wow, your wand really was fucked. Come on, let’s go.  
Ron: How?  
Harry: Duh, we climb.  
Fawkes: CAW! *motions to himself*  
Harry: Or we can grab the bird.  
*later, in the girl’s bathroom*  
Myrtle: Oh, you all survived? *looks at Harry* Including you, my knight in sexy armour.  
Harry: Right…well, we better go talk to McGonagall *leads group out of bathroom* You know, I feel like we’re forgetting something…

*back in the Chamber*  
Sorting Hat: HELLO?! Anyone? Still down here, you know…


	18. House Elf’s Prize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the final chapter, with the happy ending that all books have, especially ones in this series.

*Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Lockhart enter McGonagall’s office*  
McGonagall: Oh…this is awkward.  
Harry: What? Why?  
McGonagall: Because Mr. and Mrs. Weasley and I were just discussing your funeral arrangements.  
Arthur: I thought it was a fun-eral.  
Molly: Arthur, Don’t you know how to read?  
Arthur: I think we both know I don’t.  
Ron: You were planning our funerals ALREADY?!  
McGonagall: To be fair, you were going into the most dangerous part of the school with Professor Lockhart.  
Lockhart: Harry, I didn’t know you were a professor. By the way, what’s a professor?  
Molly: Is…he okay?  
Harry: Thankfully, not in the slightest…wait, is that Dumbledore?  
McGonagall: Indeed it is. After Hagrid’s arrest, he came in here and fell asleep. He hasn’t moved in three weeks. He’s probably dead.  
Dumbledore: *wakes up* Huh? What? Why are you people in my living room?  
McGonagall: This is my office, sir.  
Dumbledore: *sees Harry holding the diary* Hey, isn’t that Tom Riddle’s diary? You should know better than to steal other people’s property, Henry Peters.  
Harry: Sir, Tom’s dead, both literally and in the Anakin Skywalker way. Because you see, Tom Riddle is really…  
Dumbledore: Voldemort. Yeah I know.  
Everyone except Ginny, Harry, and Lockhart: *gasp*  
Ginny: Sweet.

Harry: Wait, how did Dumbledore of all people know…  
McGonagall: I’m pretty sure his mind has progressed into such extreme senility that it believes that every moment of his life is happening at exactly the same time.  
Dumbledore: Aberforth, you need to help me dispose of the body.  
McGonagall: …I’m going to ignore that, and ask why the lot of you are alive.  
Harry: Well, it all started when I first heard the voice…  
McGonagall: Wait, when was this?  
Harry: Just before Mrs. Norris was attacked.  
McGonagall: AND YOU DIDN’T THINK THIS WAS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO MENTION?!  
Harry: I was using protagonist logic. Besides, you didn’t notice that Hermione had a page torn out of a library book in her hand, and you’re about the only competent adult in this freaking school.  
McGonagall: *sigh* Just, whatever. Then what happened?  
Harry: The monster was a basilisk, the Chamber wasn’t as hidden as people thought, I killed the snake with this sword, and the diary tried to possess Ginny.  
Ginny: Bitch please. If anything, I possessed it *eyes flash red for a moment*  
McGonagall: Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, could you take your daughter to the Hospital Wing? Tell Madame Pomfrey to keep the holy water handy.  
Arthur: Why? Is she evil or something?  
Molly: Let’s just go dear *leaves with Ginny*  
McGonagall: We really need to educate our students about the dangers of strange books. Did you know there’s one where you simply need to write someone’s name in it and think of that person’s face, and they die?  
Harry: I need to get me one of them to write Donald Trump’s biography.

Dumbledore: Hey, it that Gilderoy Lockhart, the greatest wizard of all time?  
Lockhart: Really? Where?  
McGonagall: What did happen to him?  
Harry: Well, he was using Ron’s wand…  
McGonagall: Say no more. Now, about your punishments…  
Harry and Ron: PUNISHMENT?!  
McGonagall: Well, you did break more school rules than I knew existed, so I feel it’s appropriate to give you both…  
Dumbledore: 200 house points each.  
Harry: Oh cruel fates, how will we ever survive such harshness?  
McGonagall: DAMN IT ALBUS! *sigh* Whatever, you did save me needing to look for a new job. And in this job market, and at my age, this is all I’ve got. Well, better take Lockhart up to the Hospital Wing.  
Dumbledore: Can I have a word with Hamish?  
Harry: It’s Harry.  
Dumbledore: Julio, got it.  
Harry: *sigh* Okay, what is it?  
Dumbledore: Fawkes came to you. Then he went and helped you. That’s impressive.  
Harry: O…kay. Gross. But at least the only bodily fluid it put on me was its tears.  
Dumbledore: Its tears are its sperm.  
Harry: …I’m not sure if I’m glad to be alive or not right now...so, what’s the deal with the sword?  
Dumbledore: It’s Godric Gryffindor’s.  
Harry: I call bullshit on that. He lived a thousand years ago, this thing is in near-perfect condition, and WHY THE FUCK WAS IT IN THE SORTING HAT?!  
Dumbledore: The hat was his too.  
Harry: …whatever, I’m out *as he’s about to leave, Lucius Malfoy and Dobby come in*

Lucius: So, apparently you’ve stopped the attacks.  
Dumbledore: Indeed I did.  
Harry: WHAT?! I did all the fucking work.  
Lucius: Somehow, I don’t doubt that. But now I have to find other places to dispose of my incriminating evidence.  
Harry: *stealthily putting diary into his sock* Oh, really? Like what, for instance?  
Lucius: Oh, you know. Just your standard odds and ends that can get a man in trouble.  
Harry: *hands Lucius his old sock* Like this, for instance?  
Lucius: What use would I have for a sock? …oh, you mean the diary inside it. Here Dobby, hold the sock…WAIT!  
Dobby: Master has given Dobby clothes. Master does love Dobby. Dobby can be a strong, independent house elf who don’t need no master.  
Lucius: You little shit Potter. You cost me a house elf. I’ll…  
Harry: Hey, I didn’t tell you to give him the sock. You gave it to him.  
Lucius: …YOU WAIT ‘TIL MY FATHER HEARS ABOUT THIS!! *storms out*  
Harry: So that’s where he gets it from.  
Dobby: Dobby is grateful to Harry Potter. Is there anything I can do for you?  
Harry: Just one thing: NEVER try to save my life again.  
Dobby: Dobby promises. Goodbye, Harry Potter *disappears*

*later, at the dinner feast*  
Hermione: Guys, you did it.  
Ron: Now do you believe magic is real? I mean, you WERE petrified by a snake that could kill you with just a look…  
Hermione: Silly Ron. Clearly I just got concussed when I fell down after the snake bit me, which is why I don’t remember it biting me and putting me in a coma for a few weeks.  
Harry: Bit you? When’d it do that?  
Hermione: I’m not sure, but it must have, otherwise how would you explain this *shows the mark on her leg from when Ron dropped a fork in it*  
Ron: Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me.  
Hagrid: *entering the Great Hall* Guess ‘oo’s back?  
Ron: Hagrid? They let you out of Azkaban?  
Hagrid: Well…no. Yeh know those rumours aboot droppin’ the soap in the showers?  
Hermione: I don’t like where this is going.  
Hagrid: Well, someone tried tha’ on meh, so I turned the tables on ‘im, and long storeh short, ‘e’s in ‘alf now.  
Harry: That’s way more horrifying than I thought it would be, but it doesn’t explain how you got out.  
Hagrid: Would yeh stand in the way of a guy ‘oo can rape a man in ‘alf?

McGonagall: Your attention please. Now, I’m sure a lot of you are wondering about exams, and I’m pleased to announce that…  
Dumbledore: All exams are cancelled.  
McGonagall: Albus, it was supposed to be business as normal, but extra time to those petrified.  
Dumbledore: Too late.  
McGonagall: *sigh* One day, I am going to snap, and on that day Albus…  
Snape: Not if I get him first.  
Dumbledore: Also, we’re getting rid of Lockhart *explosive applause*

*later, on the train*  
Ron: Hey Ginny, who were you talking about on that day you were taken into the Chamber?  
Ginny: Oh, that. I was talking about Percy.  
Fred: You thought Percy was the Heir of Slytherin?  
Ginny: What? No. I just thought you were talking about the person creeping into the Hospital Wing to ‘visit’ one of the petrified victims.  
George: …what?  
Ginny: Well, you see, I caught Percy with his pants down, literally, in the act of ‘visiting’ that Penelope Clearwater girl…  
Harry: Okay, I think we’ve well and truly exceeded our rape joke counter for the series. Seriously, it’ll be a miracle if we don’t get banned.

*at the station, exiting onto the platform*  
Harry: Do me a favour guys, please call. I do not want a whole summer of not hearing from the magical world again.  
Hermione: Are you sure your aunt and uncle will let you use the phone?  
Harry: Of course they would. Why wouldn’t they?  
Ron: Don’t you remember why you left last summer?  
Harry: …oh shit.  
Vernon: BOY! I am going to make you WISH it was just bars on the windows this summer.  
Harry: Nice knowing you guys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with that, there’s two books down. Prisoner of Azkaban Abridged is currently slated as being August next year, but that’s if I take longer to write my other things than I probably will. Realistically, I’m hoping for about May. HOPING, but not promising. In the meantime, feel free to enjoy my other content, like Total Drama, Kingdom Hearts Pixar, or LMNT (speaking of which, Vol. 1 will be starting soon now that this is finished). And in case you haven’t seen on my profile, soon I intend to start writing an original novel. This is something I’ve been wanting to do for a while (in fact, I did try once, but wasn’t completely happy with it, so it got scrapped). So when you see me only updating one fanfic here, that’s what else I’m doing. When I’m updating two, you’ll know I’ve finished it. Okay, this note is getting WAY too long now. Thanks for reading, you guys are fucking awesome.


End file.
